I’m Creating a False Sense of Intimacy
Some people like to put pictures of themselves on their blogs, but the likelihood that I will do that is low. And by “low,” I mean that it will never happen. Not that I’m hideous or anything; I just want to be able to maintain deniability in case anyone I know finds this blog at some point after I complain about the fact that their Christmas gift to me was a sweatshirt featuring a cartoon drawing of Santa’s sleigh landing on an outhouse, with the caption being, “I said … the SCHMIDT house!” Well, to be fair, I probably won’t get that exact shirt. Again.
Anyway, in case you are wondering what I look like — which I don’t know why you would, but maybe you’re a big weirdo and think about these things, and that would be reason #2 why I’ll never put my picture on my blog — but in case you are, I thought I would give you a rough approximation via the use of these not-at-all helpful internet tools.
First, from Face Your Manga, it is me as a Japanese cartoon character in the anime classic, “Flurrious Goes to the Dermatologist to Find Out Why 98% of Her Face is Inflamed.”
That looks sort of like me, if you squint and have a lot of imagination. My hair is darker and my eyebrows are lighter. I don’t have a mole on my cheek, and while my head is big, it’s not caramel apple big. But the eyeglasses are correct, which is the main thing.
Next, I went over to Meez, even though I don’t know what it is exactly. I think it’s a social networking site, but I wasn’t all that interested in looking around so I can’t say for sure. Meez lets you create a somewhat more elaborate avatar; you can give it a background, and you have your choice of various slutty looking outfits to choose from. Also, if you register for the site, you can download your avatar in an animated format and watch it sway from side to side in a boring and somewhat disturbingly suggestive fashion. As it happens, I did not register for the site; instead I just took screen shots of the animated avatar, thusly:
Whoops! My eyes were closed. Let’s try it again:
No, I don’t care for that one either. I look like I’m about to do something nefarious to the unsuspecting cat. Let’s try it again:
Well, okay. The smile is very weird in that one, but at least the cat looks nice.
And finally, because I am apparently very very bored today, I made myself into one of The Simpsons. I realize that every other person on the planet did this a year ago, but I was busy and since they they all look pretty much the same, it’s fairly pointless. But let’s do it anyway!
Oh, that’s attractive.
And now I feel strangely depressed. I think it’s because all of my avatars are wearing cuter clothes than anything I tried on last week at the mall. Even the Scratchy t-shirt on the Simpsons version of me has a certain bi-curious charm. Fortunately, tonight is the premiere of The Amazing Race. If anything can get me to snap out of a clothing-related funk, it’s seeing Phil wearing a cowl-necked dickey or a jacket that closes with a whole bunch of little belts and carabiners. It’s only a matter of time before he inadvertently wears ladies’ pants. That will be a good day indeed.
the only blog that makes me laugh as much I yours does is Kirida. I think you’d like her!
http://www.kirida.com/index.html
And vice versa, so I am fixing to leave her a similar comment with a link to you :-)
Aw, thanks, that’s nice. And I love that kirida bought size 16 shoes just because they were cute.
DAMN. You’re the third person today to call me a big weirdo.
That’s OK – it just gives me a good excuse to keep holding out on posting my prom picture.
Yes, but you have posted enough photos that I could photoshop a re-creation of your prom picture and put you in a powder blue tux just like the one that I AM SURE YOU WORE. Although then I would be the big weirdo, so I probably won’t do that. Also, come to think of it, in my prom picture, I had my second big perm.
Not at all how I imagined you… hum… and I also like that Scratchy shirt ;-)
Heh. Well, I don’t actually look like any of those. In real life, my head is proportional to my body and my eyes are proportional to my face. Also, I am not an animated cartoon. But the eyeglasses on #1 are correct.
Amazingly, that’s exactly what i look like, too. We’re probably twins.
Except you’re about 20 years younger than me. But we could be clones! That wouldn’t be creepy! Or, at least not any creepier than our giant ET heads and enormous wall-eyes.
Those Simpsons renderings would make anyone feel depressed. Who wants to think of themselves with yellow skin and 80’s business woman hair?
The hair was the worst. I finally settled on Mary Richards hair, even though there were options that were closer, yet more frightening. As for skin, well, my skin is kind of yellow.
I choked on a Starburst when I read that last bit about The Philiminator. Awesome.
I was kind of disappointed last night that his clothes were so normal. His pants never fit right, though, so at least there’s that.
I feel so much closer to you now. ;)
In that case, you are invited to my virtual rooftop patio to have fake drinks!
Does EVERYONE get a fake rooftop patio? Or are there other options? Could you get, like, a spa or something?
I’ll have to check this out.
They have other options, and some of them you have to pay for. But I can’t tell if you pay with real money or not because they give you coins or credits or something just for signing up. The whole thing looks like an enormous time suck, so it’s weird that I wasn’t more interested in it.
I tried that Face Your Manga thing, too. My Simpsons self was actually a more accurate representation. I don’t know if that says something about me or about the software. It’s best not to dwell on it.
They’re all sort of grotesque in their way, but I have to admit that my Simpsons self is not completely inaccurate. That’s as far as I can go without becoming actively suicidal.