Regarding an Issue of National Importance

The Players:

The Instigator

 
 
 
Perez Hilton
Celebrity Blogger
Judge, Miss USA 2009 Pageant
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Persecution Complex

 
 
 
Carrie Prejean
Miss California 2009
First Runner Up, Miss USA 2009
Serial Accidental Nude Model
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Winner

 
 
 
Kristen Dalton
Miss USA 2009
Favorite Quote: “Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Waiter in the Wings

 
 
 
Tami Farrell
First Runner Up, Miss California 2009
DNA results show a 62% likelihood that Carrie, Kristen, and Tami are all the same person.
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Hair

 
 
 
Donald Trump
Real Estate Mogul
Bastard
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Hair Loss

 
 
 
Matt Lauer
Co-Anchor, Today
Dies a little inside every time he has to do a segment about this damned story.
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Desperate Bid for Attention

 
 
 
Shanna Moakler
Miss USA 1995
Playboy Playmate of the Month, December 2001
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The First Digression

Even as a young girl full of hopes and dreams for the future, I was not all that interested in beauty pageants. I remember watching the Miss America, Miss USA, and Miss Universe pageants, but that was because it was the ’70s and there were only three TV networks. When there are only three networks, you watch whatever’s on. Miss America seemed slightly more respectable than the other two pageants, as they were strictly beauty contests, whereas the selection of Miss America was based in part on the talent competition. Of course, I am using the word “talent” in a rather broad sense, one which encompasses singing, “I Could Have Danced All Night” in a faux operatic fashion, playing the 1st Movement of Rachmaninov’s Piano Concerto No. 2 as if wearing mittens, or, if you are Miss Hawaii, doing the hula.

I admit, however, that while watching the broadcast of the 1975 Miss Teen USA pageant, I became briefly enamored with the idea of entering that pageant myself. I was only 11 years old at the time, but the girls all looked so friendly and happy and grown-up that I decided I wanted nothing more than to end my junior year of high school by competing to be Miss Teen USA. About three minutes later, I forgot all about it, which was for the best really. My junior year of high school turned out to be an awkward time for me. Appearance-wise, I mean. Frankly, I was a dog. Well, and also, I was very busy. Between school and my part-time job, I barely had enough time to chase cars.

I didn’t think much about pageants at all until Vanessa Williams became Miss America in 1984 and subsequently resigned after nude photos she had posed for a couple of years earlier were sold by the photographer to Penthouse magazine. Because her resignation came ten months into her reign, the 1985 pageant happened soon thereafter. That was the first pageant I had watched in years. My impression was that if on the one hand you have nude photos, and on the other you have women in bathing suits walking up and down a stage and standing for several seconds with their backs toward the audience and cameras so that everyone can get a good long look at their asses, then what you have is not so much a difference in kind but, rather, a difference in degree.
 
 
The Present Day

So, here we are in 2009, most of which we are evidently going to spend discussing whether Miss USA First Runner-Up Carrie Prejean is a brave advocate of free speech rights or a stank ho. The right answer: neither. But the better answer: she was the first runner-up in an outdated and irrelevant beauty contest, so whatever.
 
 
The Lead-Up

On April 19, 2009, the 58th annual Miss USA pageant was held at the Theatre for the Performing Arts at the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. A lot of boring stuff happened, and then it was time for the Q&A segment of the competition. I didn’t watch the pageant itself, but since April 19, 2009, I have seen one particular 50-second portion of the Q&A approximately fourteen kajillion times on various other shows. It involved Perez Hilton, who is famous for having a blog that I do not read, asking a question of Miss California, Carrie Prejean.
 
 
The Question

“Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not?”
 
 
The Second Digression

I now have to rescind my statement that the Miss America pageant of 1985 was the first pageant I had seen in many years. I just now remembered that a year or two before that, my friend Deanna and I watched a broadcast of our local Miss Seafair pageant because Kelly, a girl we knew from high school, was competing. (The winner of Miss Seafair goes on to compete in the Miss Washington pageant.) (You do too care.) So the year was 1983, maybe. It was August. We were at Deanna’s house, most likely wearing something ridiculous as would befit the year. I’m going to guess there were Funyuns and Doritos involved. The program was hosted by local celebrity Ross Schafer, who later went on to national fame and fortune as the host of Match Game ‘90 and who still later than that went on to unemployment as the former host of Match Game ‘90. On that August evening, however, his future was bright, as was Kelly’s. At least until the Q&A.

Ross: Kelly! You have 60 seconds to answer the following, randomly selected question. Are you ready?

Kelly: Ye-ess …

Ross: Here is your question. In your opinion, what is America’s greatest natural resource?

Kelly (uncertain expression, quickly replaced by deer-in-headlights expression): I think it might be, like, space or something.

Me: Augggghhhhhh!!!!

Deanna: Accccckkkkk!!!!

Me: God.

Deanna: She blew it.

Me: Ha ha ha ha! “Like, space or something.”

Deanna: Ha ha! That was embarrassing. But … it is kind of a hard question. What would you say if they asked you?

Me: Oh, please. The answer is “the youth of America.” America’s greatest natural resource is the youth of America. And education. You have to throw some shit in there about education.

Deanna: Yeah, I see what …

Me: Oh! And believing in themselves! We have to ensure that the youth of America believe in themselves!

Deanna: Do you believe in yourself?

Me: Hell no.

Deanna: Me either.

Me: God, why is it so hot in here?

Deanna: Are you hot?

Me: Yes.

Deanna: YOU DON’T LOOK SO HOT!!!

Me: Shut up. Miss West Seattle is getting her question now.

Ross: Janine! You have 60 seconds to answer the following, randomly selected question. Are you ready?

Janine: I am!

Ross: Here is your question. If you could be President of the United States for one day, what is the first thing you would do in office?

Deanna: I KNOW! I KNOW! Oooh ooh ooh! Mr. Kotter!

Me: Well?

Deanna (vapid pageant voice): “If I could be President of the United States for one day, the first thing I would do in office is … resign.”

Me: Ha. We should have been in this pageant.

Deanna: We should have.

Me: Are there more Funyuns?

Deanna: Ummm, no just Doritos.

Me: Oh good. My breath doesn’t smell quite bad enough yet.

Kelly didn’t win Miss Seafair that year, despite the fact that her hair looked really shiny. Thus, as you can see, how a contestant answers her randomly selected question is extremely important within the context of winning the pageant, a context that has implications for, well, nothing actually.
 
 
The Question (Again)

“Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not?”
 
 
The Answer

“I was raised to believe that in my country, we can choose who to love, and if people choose to be gay and wrong then I also believe that we should deny them their basic civil rights and not let them get married because they would not be opposites like in real marriage. No offense to anybody.”

I am paraphrasing, but that’s the gist of it. But the “no offense to anybody,” is something she actually said because she is a moron. In later interviews she even pointed it out. “I said, ‘no offense’! I don’t understand how anyone can be offended when I said, ‘no offense’!” Hmmmm. Maybe it’s because you’re a bigot? You think? Let’s keep that on the table as a possibility!
 
 
The Outcome

The Miss USA 2009 crown went to Miss North Carolina Kristen Dalton. Carrie “No Offense” Prejean was the first runner-up. According to the always accurate Wikipedia, Dalton had the top scores in both the swimsuit and the evening gown competitions, whereas Prejean came in third and second, respectively. Prejean lost on her scores.

Nonetheless, Perez Hilton took the opportunity to gloat on his blog about how she lost because of her answer, that he voted against her, and that she is a “dumb bitch.” He didn’t say “no offense,” so I think he meant that.
 
 
The Intermission
This is a long post. Let’s rest for a minute.
 
 
The First Set of Photos

Two weeks after the pageant, topless photos of Prejean, taken when she was a teenager, appeared on a website called TheDirty.com. I’m not going to link to that, but you people should feel free to follow your heart. Prejean’s explanation was that (a) it wasn’t her, (b) okay, it was her, (c) but she was a model, (d) models sometimes wear only lingerie, (e) the photographer lied to her, (f) she was naive, (g) the photos weren’t authorized, (h) okay, the photos were authorized, (i) but letting anyone see them was totally not authorized, (j) the only reason why people are seeing the photos is because she is a Christian, (k) when, oh when, will America’s persecution of Christians end?

Uh, okay, Carrie. I guess some of that was relevant. Or wait. No actually, none of is. Because the only relevance the pictures have is whether they violate your contract with the Miss California organization. That would be the contract that contains a clause in which the contestant agrees that she has not previously and will not during her reign as Miss California pose for any nude or semi-nude photos. The agreement that Carrie Prejean signed despite knowing that she had in fact posed nude.

After Prejean assured the Miss California organization that there were no other nude photos of her in existence, they responded thusly, “oh, okay. I mean, you didn’t win Miss USA so you’re kind of a footnote now anyway. Whatever. Keep your crown.”
 
 
The Second Set of Photos

Oh, look! More semi-nude pictures! Clearly taken fairly recently!
 
 
The Explanation

“Those are not me! Those are Photoshopped! I am a Christian!”
 
 
The Explanation 2.0

“Okay! They are me! But those pictures were taken without my knowledge! I am a Christian!”
 
 
The Explanation 3.0

“Okay! I knew they were being taken! But I was alone with the photographer! He took advantage of me! Christianity! I has it!”
 
 
The Explanation 3.1

“And the wind! It was the wind! I was alone with the photographer and the wind! The photographer and the wind took advantage of me! The wind blew my blouse open and the photographer took pictures of me without my knowledge that I knew about and I was alone and naive and taken advantage of and I will say the word Photoshop even though it has nothing to do with anything and unauthorized release of photos that I didn’t know about or maybe I did my mother my sister my mother my sister and I forgive them all for they know not what they do!”
 
 
The Response of Good Christians

 
 
The Response of Opportunistic Self-Serving Christians

Sarah Palin Jumps to Carrie Prejean’s Defense. And also demonstrates that she has zero understanding of the First Amendment.
 
 
The Donald

Realizing they had been lied to yet again, Miss California pageant officials decided to … uh, decide whether or not Prejean should retain her Miss California title, or if it should instead go to Tami Farrell, the first runner-up. Donald Trump, being owner of the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants, was to make the final decision. Despite being very busy with his real estate holdings, reality TV programming, and other various business deals, he took the time to do this personally because of the importance of the issue, the opportunity to get his big doughy head in front of some cameras, and the possibility of seeing someone’s boobs.
 
 
The Today Show Interview of Tami Farrell

Matt: Ha ha ha ha hahahaha!

Tami: I know, right?

 
 
The Press Conference

Thus spake The Hair: “My child! I hast not forsaken thee. Remove thy rags and crown of thorns and adorn thyself with this sash of polyester and this tiara of quarter-carat cubic zirconia. For thine art Miss California now and forever or until 2010, whichever comes first.”

Carrie wept.
 
 
The Today Show Interview of Carrie Prejean and Donald Trump

Matt: Seriously. The wind?

Carrie: Yes.

Matt: You’re sticking with that story. The wind.

Carrie: It was very windy.

Matt: Then how come your hair isn’t moving in these pictures?

Carrie: Have you ever done a photo shoot?

Matt: Only about a thousand times.

Carrie: Well, it was a special kind of wind. From the far left. Also, I was alone with the photographer and he took advantage of me. I say it that way to make it sound worse than it was and because I don’t care if it undercuts the credibility of women who have actually been victims of abuse or violence.

The Donald: I’m going to start talking now. Look, the fact is that Carrie is a very beautiful woman. That’s why her answer about the homosexuals got so much attention. I mean, let’s face it, if she were an average looking woman, no one would care what she says. Average looking women might have some good things to say, but they’re average looking. Come on. But Carrie is beautiful. And the photos were beautiful.

Matt: So you’ve seen the photos.

The Donald: I have studied the photos very carefully. I had one of my assistants print them out and bring them to me in my office at Trump Tower, which incidentally, is the tallest building in the world and houses many successful businesses run by very successful people. Not as successful as me, but, you know, I am a very successful guy. Not everyone can be as successful as I am. That’s just the way it goes. But the photos are very beautiful, and this is the 20th century. Come on.

Matt: So, Carrie. After the first set of photos, you said there were no other photos, but that turned out not to be true.

Carrie: Like I said, I am totally a victim in all this and I have no responsibility for anything.

Matt: Is it possible that more photos might surface later?

Carrie: You know, Matt. Anything is possible. I’m not gonna say that there are no other nude photos of me out there because it’s possible that some photographer took some naked pictures of me without my permission or knowledge or anything. It’s possible that this happened dozens of times, but I would like it to be known that no matter how many more times it happened, I did not know anything about it at the time and I did not agree to it because I am a moral person and I was raised with values and if I did pose naked, then I totally did not know I was naked at the time.

The Donald: I would just add that if there are more photos, then I will look at those photos. I will look at them very carefully, even though I am a very busy guy. I am very successful. Also, Matt, you didn’t mention The Apprentice. The Apprentice is the number one show in the world. You should have mentioned that. Come on.

 
 
The Aftermath

In protest of Trump’s decision to let Prejean keep her title, Former Miss USA Shanna Moakler resigns from her position as Miss California Pageant Director.
 
 
The Reaction to Moakler’s Resignation
 
 
 
 
The Perspective

Well, this has all been very special, but I have to say it makes me nostalgic for the days when the most embarrassing thing to happen at a pageant involved … You know, you just have to watch it. It defies description.

 
The End

God willing.