I Will Assume the Gifts Are in the Mail

I just realized that today is the one-year anniversary of the day I first posted on this blog. Okay, that’s not true. There were a couple of earlier posts that I deleted for reasons I can no longer recall. But then I started over, so officially, this is the one-year anniversary. If I had noticed my anniversary date was coming up, I would have planned to have a contest. I would not have held the contest because I would be afraid that no one would enter and then I would feel sad and alienated, but I would have planned it for sure.

In lieu of a well-thought out, interactive, and potentially-lucrative-for-you post, instead, I present: a meme. Try to contain your excitement. I saw this first at Monkey’s, then at Marius’s, and then Stefanie did half of it before succumbing to the salad dressing.

I will begin doing the meme in a moment.

Wait.

OKAY NOW.

What is your current obsession?

Locating my khaki shorts. They’re not in the closet next to my other shorts. They’re not in a drawer. They’re not in the pile of clothing in the spare bedroom. They’re not under the basement stairs where I sometimes drop things on their way to and from the washing machine only to find them months later, covered with dust. They are not in places where they couldn’t possibly be, like in a file cabinet, and I know this because I’ve looked. My shorts are missing. I miss my shorts.

What is your weirdest obsession?

Weirder than the thing about the shorts?

What are you wearing today?

Well, I can tell you one thing I’m not wearing today.

What’s for dinner?

For tonight, I don’t know yet. But last night, two slices of pizza and some cabbage. Yesterday was a strange day all the way around.

What would you eat for your last meal?

I’m thinking it would probably be something like applesauce or chocolate pudding or whatever they give you in the hospital when you’re on your deathbed. Incidentally, if I am ever in the hospital on my deathbed and you are sitting next to me, holding my hand, and saying things like, “is that the only copy of your will?” then please tell the nurse not to bring me Jello for my last meal. Jello is upsetting to me.

What’s the last thing you bought?

Milk. It’s this kind of information that makes the internet worthwhile, isn’t it?

What are you listening to right now?

Um. A Vagisil commercial. Wait. Okay, it’s over now. Whew. Awkward.

What do you think of the person who tagged you?

No one tagged me, but as to the three people I mentioned, I think Marius is a very decent guy, and the world would benefit from having more people like him in it. Also, now that I’m thinking about it, in addition to his blog, I want to direct you all over to Starbase 66, a podcast that he does with a couple of friends of his regarding all things Star Trek and science fiction. Well, okay, not all of you, just those of you who are interested in Star Trek and science fiction. Personally, I am not so interested in science fiction, although I did see E.T. in 1982. Thus, I don’t regularly listen to Starbase 66, but I have listened in to a couple of episodes, and the three of them have a nice style, they’re funny and conversational, and I’m sure I would really enjoy it, if they were talking about something I was familiar with, like phoning home, or Elliot, or … phoning home. (Hey, E.T. was 27 years ago; I can’t remember everything forever.)

Monkey and Stefanie are also two very decent guys, even though they are technically girls. Monkey’s was one of the first blogs I read and nearly three years later, I remain a fan of her cranky, smart girl charm. Although I would be upset if an injury were to befall her, the days when she tells a story involving tripping over something or her pants falling down are very good days indeed. I’ve been reading Stefanie’s blog for almost as long and stand in admiration of the fact that even though she’s been blogging for something like four years, she still comes up with interesting things to write about. If I am still blogging in four years, my posts will consist entirely of YouTube videos of cats flushing the toilet. If Stefanie offers you grammar advice, take it. (But if she invites you to Thanksgiving dinner, bring your own turkey.) You know, both Monkey and Stefanie, each in her own way are somewhat responsible for me even having a blog, since without them, I wouldn’t have had any readers early on and would have quit. Thus, all irate emails should be directed to them.

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?

Kailua, on the windward side of Oahu. I would also accept it unfurnished. (In case that’s the deal-breaker.)

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?

Just for an hour? Yeah, I’m good right here then.

Which language do you want to learn?

American Sign Language, so I can eavesdrop on deaf people.

What is your favorite colour?

Greeun.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?

I used to have these really nice khaki shorts. I … I don’t want to talk about it.

What is your dream job?

This question threw me because I realized that I don’t know. I should know. I’m 45, so I don’t have that much time to figure out what my dream is and then be bitter about not achieving it. For some reason, I’m thinking about elephants now. I have a vague idea that my dream job would have something to do with wildlife conservation. Or being a barber.

What’s your favourite magazine?

I don’t have a favorite. The only magazine I regularly read is Newsweek, but if it were to go under, what the hell, I’d just read Time.

If you had £100 now, what would you spend it on?

That is $163.00, so I do have it now. I will probably just spend it on something frivolous, like food or insurance.

Describe your personal style.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. These questions are funny.

What are you going to do after this?

Something equally exciting, I’m sure.

What are your favourite films?

I feel like I talked about this recently, but I could be wrong. After a year, it all seems to run together. American Graffiti, A Scene at the Sea, Unforgiven, Rocky, the 1978 remake of Heaven Can Wait, The Shawshank Redemption, and because I just saw it and could see it two or three more times, Bolt.

What’s your favourite fruit?

NOBODY CARES. (But it’s papaya, in case you are nobody.)

What inspires you?

To rage? Cruelty to the weak. To greatness? N/A.

Do you collect anything?

Books and dust.

Your favourite animal?

My favorite individual animal is my own cat, but as to type of animal, I can’t pick one because I love them all. However, I love monkeys and apes slightly less because they’re so closely related to humans, who I mostly don’t like at all.

What are you currently reading?

Just today, I finished reading Red Meat Cures Cancer, a send-up of the fast food industry that has some funny moments, but mostly fails to hit the mark. It might have helped if there were at least one character who wasn’t either amoral or moronic. Stupid character names like Frank Fanoflincoln and Traylor Hitch don’t help matters either, although the author’s name is Starbuck O’Dwyer, so maybe he didn’t know any better. One of the customer reviews on Amazon notes that the book was originally vanity published before being picked up by Vintage, and that seems about right.

Go to your book shelf, take down the first book with a red spine you see, turn to page 26 and type out the first line:

“A few weeks later, Nelle wrote rapturously to a friend about the Browns’ offer: ‘The one stern string attached is that I will be subjected to a sort of 19th Century regimen of discipline: they don’t care whether anything I write makes a nickel.’”
                                    Mockingbird: A Portrait of Harper Lee, by Charles J. Shields

And who wouldn’t be rapturous? A 19th century disciplinary regimen? Why, that sounds swell! I guess I might as well read this book now seeing as how I already took it down from the shelf.

By what criteria do you judge a person?

I won’t if you won’t.

What skill would you like to acquire immediately?

Super quick digestion. I ate one too many Fig Newtons about ten minutes ago. Happy then, sad now.