WTF? LOL.
2009 June 30
1. By all means, wear the tie. If you don’t wear the tie, you might look silly.
2. I have this apple. Now what do I do?
3. Wouldn’t it be easier just to stab him?
(I linked to this once before in the comments, but then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. If only there were a term for such things.)
4. There used to be a local hamburger franchise here called Dag’s. Its logo was a bull wearing a striped t-shirt and carrying a tray full of food. I was trying to find the logo recently, so I did a Google image search for “Dag’s Hamburgers.” Why, Google image search, why?
5. At long last, the vast potential of the internet has been fulfilled.
Wow, I don’t even know where to start. But I’ll choose the apple one. I think my favorite parts of it are under the “Warnings” section where it says:
“If you get apple juice drying on your skin, it will draw insects that are attracted to the sticky sweetness. Wipe off immediately.” [This is a bummer because I simply adore walking around with sticky dried up apple juice all over my skin.]
“Be aware of local laws about tossing away finished fruit pieces; some places have harsh littering laws that include biodegradables.” [I have seen some crazy shit here in Atlanta, but I've never seen anyone arrested for throwing an apple core on the ground.]
“Don’t bite your tongue.” [Great tip Wiki. Thanks for that one because I was planning to take a gigantic chunk out of my tongue this afternoon after I wipe the apple juice off of my skin and throw my apple core into a proper waste receptacle.]
But the section about “Things you’ll need” where it tells you that you will need an apple kind of cracks me up too. What? I need to HAVE an apple in order to eat one?
I don’t even know what to say about the Hamburgers. But I think “ewwwwww, gross, disgusting” is a good start.
What? He’s proud of his body! Don’t judge! (Except for the Speedo photo. You can’t help judging that.)
Under “Things You’ll Need,” they left out “digestive system.” You can’t eat an apple without a digestive system. Well, you can, but it’s uncomfortable.
Someone really felt the need to add to Wikipedia how to eat an apple. Wow.
Not to mention How to Eat a Banana. And How to Peel a Banana. There are seven different methods, which seems excessive.
Well I don’t know about you but I’m glad you found the directions on how to eat an apple cause I had NO IDEA. It’s been my most shameful secret my whole life. If only I had thought to Google.
I particularly enjoy the alternative to slicing: “grip the apple with both hands and pull apart at the stem. This results in (2) apple sections. This will impress women in the same way as crushing a beer can on your head will.” It’s cross-referenced under the wikihow entitled, “How to Get an Easily Impressed Woman.”
Since the apple thing has been taken care of, i’d like to move on to the Tab commercial:
Oh my holy wretched crap. That is AWESOME. But i just have some questions – What if your shape isn’t so great in the first place? Does this mean I’m never in his mind? Have I never BEEN a mind-sticker??
I’m thoroughly disappointed that I can no longer purchase Tab, so that he may keep me in his mind.
Good news! You can still buy Tab. Holy crap, that’s expensive. I still see 6-packs in the grocery store sometimes, but at a normal price. Oh well, no price is too high when it comes to having a good shape. He wants you with a good shape.
What really interests me is how you found these: Doing fruit-based research?
I was looking for recipes for lychees, and I ran across How to Eat a Lychee. I would have thought, “peel, eat,” would cover it, but no. One thing led to another, and the next thing you know, I was enjoying a variety of fruits.
aaaawwww the internet, or the BIG BAD internet as my husband calls it… I guess it’s true don’t believe everything you read… or see… or hear… hmmm, maybe just don’t believe anything!
As the Mr. Trump it could have been worst! It could have been windy that evening and his hair could have moved or something… now that’s scary with or without a tie!
Oh, the internet is terribly untrustworthy. For example, step #4 under How to Enjoy Eating Pie is, “Make Tofu Cheese Pie.” NO ONE COULD ENJOY THAT.
We lose David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson; yet The Donald lives on.
Hell, I’d trade Billy Mays for Trump.
I always get Billy Mays mixed up with that other infomercial guy, the one who bit the hooker in the face. Or was that Marv Albert? In any event, I’m going to guess they’re all less freaky than The Donald.
You gotta warn me before you post those Dag pictures. I mean, is eating! My mouth was open and everything!!
You clicks the links, you takes your chances. (I don’t know why I’m talking like this.) Perhaps you would feel better if you had an apple. I have instructions if you need them.
Everytime the Tab commercial narrator said “mind sticker” I thought “pot sticker”. Is that normal? Actually, my current mind sticker is MJ’s “I Want You Back”.
Mine too! Of course, that’s because I watched that Ed Sullivan clip about ten times. My other mind sticker is Everywhere by Michelle Branch because it’s being used in the Chase Bank commercials that air approximately every 12 minutes. I used to like that song, but now I would like to poke Michelle Branch in the eye.
I will drink Tab.
Tab makes me a mind sticker.
Wait, based on a careful analysis of my physical characteristics, I am male.
Can males be mind stickers? If I perform mental gymnastics should I stick the mental dismount?
Why did I have to see the fat guy in the speedo melting?
And for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster why must my self-consciousness at eating fresh fruit be fueled by the uncaring byte-beasts of the intertubes?
See what you did? You brokeded my brain.
Yes, but at least you have a good shape. If you could only hold your apple ergonomically correctly, then everything would be fine. Remember, rotation is the key.
Is it wrong that my new goal in life is to write for WikiHow? It would be so fun.
“How to Pet a Dog.” You’ll need: a dog, a hand…see, I’m a natural!
Wait. I’m still confused.
“Be a mind sticker???” Um… ok. That picture of the Donald is an unfortunate mind sticker. Bet he’s never drunk a Tab in his life. Oh, wait, maybe that’s the problem!
It’s hard to say. He has so many.
Maybe if Dag had the Wikipedia entry on how to eat an apple he wouldn’t have eaten whatever it was that resulted in picture Day 1.
Possibly. But you have to admit: the boy is a mind sticker.
I thought I had left a comment here, but apparently I didn’t, unless your comment cleaner came along and scooped that sucker up and disposed of it. I parlayed one of your links on this fun post into a post of my own, and in so doing I fervently hope I didn’t violate any part of the Blogger’s Code. Oh, wait, is there a Blogger’s Code? And if not, why not? And don’t you think there should be one if there isn’t [one]? And just how would we (we, forsooth) go about enforcing it if there were [one]?
I hope I have made myself perfectly clear.
You have; however, blogging is much like fight club. First rule of blogging: don’t talk about blogging.
The picture of The Donald had me choking on my OJ…hilarious!!
Initially, I misread this comment in an unfortunate way, but I feel better about it now.
Your comment on my blog was very funny stuff but somehow I hit reject instead of publish and it vanished forever. Stupid iPhone. Just thought I’d let you know I didn’t dis you on purpose!
No worries! I’m always afraid I’m going to do that here because the “edit” and “delete” buttons are right next to each other.
Someone should publish a Wikihow article on “How to avoid choking on your OJ” — in the public interest, of course. Promote the general welfare, and so forth. I stole that phrase from the Preamble to the U. S. Constitution. I was feeling super-patriotic because yesterday was the Fourth of July. For those who have not read “How to use a calendar” or “How to use your own brain,” tomorrow will be the Sixth of July).
Can you help me? My mind sticker last week was Etta James singing “At Last, My Love Has Come Along” and this week it is an old Pentecostal hymn called “O Lord, Send The Fire Just Now.”
If I could, I would stop reading this blog. I don’t want any help with that.
Since you asked, I am pretty sure I cannot help you.
OK, I’ll admit to once googling “how to bake a potato,” but to eat an apple? Who is the target audience for that page?? Not even culinarily challenged spinsters need that information!
And I have no recollection of that Tab commercial whatsoever, but I cannot believe any marketing team thought it was a good idea.
What I love about the apple page is that you can look at the edit history and see that there have been almost 200 revisions to it. Perhaps there was some debate over whether to use bottom teeth or top teeth first in the biting action.