Bored Now

Summer is gone and winter is here. Autumn took the year off — I can’t begrudge it, I would do the same if I could. I have nothing of interest to write about, so I will just type for a while.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog’s back.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog’s back.

My dog has fleas.

My dog has fleas.

He has fleas.

My god, the fleas.

Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of my dog.

asdf jkl; asdf jkl; asdf jkl; aaa ;;; aaa ;;;

This would all make sense if you had taken Office Machines I and II with me in the 10th grade. I can work a ten-key like nobody’s business, though Excel has made that skill quite unnecessary. Not that I have a long string of numbers that need adding. How sad, not to have any numbers. If you have any numbers, leave them in the comments.

The other day, I was thinking about places I’d rather be and things I’d rather be doing. In particular, I wondering how far I am in miles from Kailua, even though I can’t afford to live there. I consulted my friend and doctor, Google, and it informed me that it is 2,796 miles, assuming I drive there.

I can’t decide what I enjoy most about these directions, whether it’s the instruction to kayak 2,756 miles across the Pacific Ocean or the implication that the Pacific Ocean is located just north of downtown Seattle. You know, it’s weird because I’ve driven down Northlake Way a bunch of times and I have never noticed an ocean there. I guess I should try to be more observant. At least once I get to Hawaii, it will be easy to find my way around. I am to emerge from the ocean and continue in a straight line, just like the first amphibians, except that the first amphibians probably weren’t driving Toyotas.

Oh look, a map!

I couldn’t possibly get lost now.

On the other hand, I could walk, which would take three weeks longer, but I would save two miles. Then again, the always helpful Google cautions that this route might not be fully paved.

No sidewalks over the ocean? WELL WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN PAYING TAXES FOR?

Maybe I could take a bus or the subway. That might be easiest and, besides, you meet so many nice people on public transportation.

Huh. No public option. I guess everyone will just have to try to get there on their own and hope a tsunami or undersea earthquake or just the ordinary wear and tear of crossing the ocean doesn’t take down their kayak. I mean, assuming they can afford a kayak and that it’s not inadequate when the sea gets rough. You know, I have a feeling not everyone is going to make it.

In other news, I’m having one of those weeks where everything feels overwhelming. My refrigerator began leaking water into the bottom of the freezer compartment, which means that the drainage hose is clogged with ice again. Take my advice, people, and never buy a side-by-side; they’re more prone to need repair and also you have to store your frozen pizzas vertically. I had a dreaded repairman fix the same problem three or four years ago, but it’s recurred and I thought it seemed like a simple enough fix to do myself. I couldn’t find a diagram of the fridge’s internal organs anywhere, so I figured I’d take the thing apart and wing it, just like a man. And in the end, I was unable to fix it, just like a man. It’s better than it was, but not actually repaired, and it’s old enough that I think it’s actually worth just getting a new one. Ordinarily, shopping for practical things makes me giddy with happiness, but I’ve got about forty-five other things I have to deal with this month, and I am dealing with them by sitting on my couch, watching The Office on DVD, and weeping. Hey, avoidance doesn’t just happen.

Did you know that if you say, “Home Depot” in a blog post, they will come? Sometimes more than once.

They also linked to me on their Squidoo page. I don’t know why Home Depot needs a Squidoo page, but then I also don’t know why Comet Cleanser has a Facebook page, so not knowing is not a new phenomenon. I suppose Home Depot is trying to figure out if personal blogs would make a good advertising medium for them, and if that’s the case then I would just offer a bit of unsolicited advice, which is that they might not want to link to a post in which every participant is discussing their love for Ace Hardware. At the same time, I would be happy to write something nice about Home Depot, if they were to, say, give me a new refrigerator. If they could also contact Toyota and ask them where my free Prius is, that would be great too.