Oddly Enough, Today is Also the First Day of the Rest of the Month

I’d started to write three different posts this past week, but abandoned them all mid-sentence once I realized that I had no topic. I haven’t even checked my front page to make sure I didn’t hit “Publish” instead of “Save Draft,” as I normally do in a somewhat obsessive-compulsive fashion whenever I stop writing in the middle of a post. This is how little I care. For further evidence, I now present to you: a meme. Exciting, isn’t it? Wait, does it help if I say it’s the Vanity Fair Proust Meme? (Which: what?) No, I know. It didn’t help me, either.

I know which blog I saw this on, but I don’t know if I should link to it or not. It’s something I saw as I was was randomly clicking around from blogroll to blogroll, but I don’t know that blogger and she doesn’t know me. Some people are annoyed when strangers link to them and others are annoyed when they don’t get credit. The social fabric of blogging is complex, yet stupid. I think I won’t link. She’ll never know.

Anyway. Here we go. Oh, also I should say that Proust was one of the most boring writers ever, so I will also be boring, as a kind of homage.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Already, this meme is making me tired. Because, really, “perfect happiness”? Is regular happiness no longer sufficient? See, this is exactly the problem. Remember when you could just eat a cheeseburger? You could eat a cheeseburger and be fine. Then it had to be a double cheeseburger or it simply wasn’t good enough. Then it had to have bacon on it or it would leave you vaguely unsatisfied. People will be happy when they stop wanting everything to be more than it is. And they will be also be happy when they stop thinking that constant happiness is a normal state of being. Happiness is an outlying emotion, much like sadness. You shouldn’t be sad all the time and you shouldn’t be happy all the time. It’s okay to just be regular sometimes. Be the cheeseburger. Hell, be the hamburger.
 
 
What is your greatest fear?

I am a little bit afraid of everything all the time, so there’s not one thing that stands out. I can’t decide if this is better or worse than having one big fear of something that is statistically unlikely to happen. I tend to worry about things going wrong when there’s no reason to worry, but unlike the Greatest Fear people, I don’t, for example, get hysterical when I see a circus clown. He will not kill you, Greatest Fear Person; at worst, he will throw a bucket of confetti on you.
 
 
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I can procrastinate like nobody’s business. I sometimes put off doing the thing that I was going to do in order to put off doing something else. In my defense, Plants vs. Zombies isn’t going to play itself, you know.
 
 
What is the trait you most deplore in others?

It’s hard to pick only one. There are a lot of things that are equally deplorable. Intolerance. Cruelty. Greed. Selfishness. And sometimes Aroma.
 
 
On what occasion do you lie?

NEVER!

Okay, that’s not true. I will lie to get out of social gatherings that I don’t want to attend, but only if the other person forces me to. Normally in that situation, I will simply decline with no reason, but if they want a reason, I go with the unspecified, “I have plans.” Which is true. I have plans not to participate in their plans. If they want more of an explanation, then I’m happy to make something up. I figure once they start getting pushy about it, I’m not obligated to tell the truth.
 
 
What is your greatest extravagance?

I assume this means financially, but I’m pretty conservative about money. The exceptions are for business suits — because there is no clothing sadder than a cheap suit — and shoes because cheap shoes are a bad idea all the way around. Otherwise, I don’t spend much on clothes. I get excited when Old Navy has a sale. I buy my jeans at the same store where I buy bananas. And since I work mostly at home, I don’t see why I shouldn’t wear a t-shirt with a picture of a donkey on it that says, “I lost my ass in Las Vegas.”

I will also overpay for papayas and sashimi, but the latter is just good thinking. Beware the discount fish.
 
 
What is your current state of mind?

I don’t understand the question, but other than that, I feel fine.
 
 
What is the quality you most like in a man?

Being Clooneyesque, I suppose. More realistically, kindness. Thrift is good. Common sense. Open-mindedness. Generosity of heart. Not having a bad smell.
 
 
What is the quality you most like in a woman?

See above, except for the part where she looks like George Clooney.
 
 
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

 
 
When and where were you happiest?

Again with the happiness! Be the hamburger!
 
 
Who are your favorite writers?

I’ve answered this question at least twice in previous memes. One of my favorite writers will be the person who writes a meme that does not include this question.
 
 
Which talent would you most like to have?

I’d like to be able to draw cartoons. I often doodle little animals during boring meetings, but they usually come out disproportionately sized and generally ungainly. I have the idea, totally unjustified by the way, that I would be good at brush drawing and can picture in my head the things I would paint, mainly of various forest creatures having tea parties, but I’ve never tried it because I don’t want to be disappointed when it turns out to be disproportionately sized blobs having tea with ungainly smudges.
 
 
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

My brother would stop giving me ski socks for Christmas. I went skiing once when I was twelve. I do not now need multiple pairs of ski socks.
 
 
If you died and came back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

I would just be a regular person. I hope I can draw next time.
 
 
What do you dislike most about your appearance?

Let’s not dwell, please.
 
 
Where would you like to live?

Somewhere warm, with yellow sand beaches and coconut palms. And I’m not saying that because a series of thunderstorms has been giving us near-constant rain for the last several days; I’m saying it because, to quote IB, “Jesus help us, we’ve got 9 months of this bullshit in front of us.”
 
 
What is your most treasured possession?

Cat. Even at 3:30 AM when I hear her yakking up a hairball, that’s still my answer.
 
 
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Oh good, the emos are writing questions now. I guess it’s better than those sad little poems they put on their MySpace pages.
 
 
What do you most value in your friends?

I am trying to decide how this is different from what quality I like best in a man and what quality I like best in a woman.
 
 
What are your favorite names?

This is a stupid question.
 
 
What is it that you most dislike?

I don’t know if I dislike it more than any other thing that’s ever existed in the history of forever, which is apparently what I’m being asked here, but I’m starting to have negative feelings about this meme, if that helps.
 
 
What is your greatest regret?

It’s not something I talk about because I regret it. I swear, these questions are getting dumber by the minute.
 
 
How would you like to die?

What the hell kind of question is this? Don’t be morbid.
 
 
What is your motto?

I’m ignoring you now, Meme.