It’s the Least Wonderful Time of the Year
Today is Festivus. Yesterday was the Winter Solstice. The day before yesterday was the first day of Hanukkah. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. The day after tomorrow is Christmas. The day after the day after tomorrow is both the first day of Kwanzaa and Boxing Day. Next Tuesday is going to be a big letdown.
But as I said, today is Festivus. Which means three things: a beef dinner, feats of strength, airing of grievances. I’m going to put a roast in the oven at 1:00 and then at around 3:30, I’ll make a gravy from the drippings. At 3:50, I’ll say, “this gravy is just floury grease,” and throw it out. Then five minutes before dinner, I’ll make gravy from a packet. Traditions are important.
I haven’t decided what my feat of strength will be. I have to go renew my car tabs today, so I would like to say that my feat of strength will be pummeling the Department of Licensing clerk for wearing that same dirty Santa hat eleven years in a row, but my non-confrontational nature always gets in the way. I will probably just go rake the leaves out of the storm drain and call it a holiday.
Incidentally, if you haven’t purchased my Christmas present yet, this year I want a new rake. Not ski socks. RAKE.
Which naturally leads into the airing of grievances.
1. The items on my Amazon wish list are not jumping off points. If I put a two-slice toaster on the list, that means I have spent an inordinate amount of time reading customer reviews of various toaster options, reviewing the technical specifications, and having taken into consideration the amount of counter space in my kitchen and my toasted bread needs, concluded that that particular two-slice toaster is the way to go. You don’t have to buy me that toaster, but when you instead give me a 6-slice toaster oven with a pizza setting and convection heat and say, “this one’s nicer than the one you wanted!” you are just making me haul a big-ass box down to the post office and forcing me to interact with a postal employee who not only washes his Santa hat with the same frequency as the Department of Licensing clerk but also wears it well into the new year. Moreover, RAKE.
2. In other toaster-related injustices, I had a Trader Joe’s gluten-free toaster waffle a couple of days ago, and now I know what evil is. I don’t have a problem with gluten; I just didn’t know these weren’t regular waffles until I got them home. I guess it’s nice that they offer a gluten-free option, but they really need to label the box more clearly. Maybe putting the words “gluten-free” in a larger, bolder font and also a black box warning that states, “this waffle will turn into a disgusting slime as soon as you begin chewing it. It will also leave an aftertaste that will haunt you well into your retirement years. Enjoy!”
3. Gmail. I am never going to give you my phone number. Stop asking me.
4. This:
Thanks, WoerdPress! What a helpfuel tip!
5. The saleswomen at the Benefit counter at Macy’s, all of whom are over 6′ tall, insane, and lacking a volume control. Why are they always screaming at people? Last year, a friend and I were walking through the cosmetics department when suddenly, this hugely tall woman with a Bumpit in her hair said from a distance of about 60 feet, “ARE YOU LADIES RUNNING LOW ON DR. FEELGOOD?!?” Okay, (a) stop yelling, you moron. And (b) I don’t know what it is and I don’t care. I’m not buying something called, “Dr. Feelgood.” Then last week, I was in Macy’s heading for the exit door. Another, equally gigantic woman blocks me in the aisle, grabs my arm, and screams in my face, “WE HAVE AN OPENING IN THE BENEFIT BROW BAR! DO YOU WANT YOUR BROWS SHAPED? WHY NOT?” Because I don’t want an intimidating mental patient coming at my eye area with sharp implements? Maybe? You think? Although after I got home and looked at my brows in the mirror, I did have to concede that a little neatening up wouldn’t be the worst idea.
6. The Jersey Boys version of Jingle Bell Rock. Also, the Jersey Boys version of anything else. Please stop singing, squeaky men.
And that’s Festivus. May your day be angry and dim, and all your Festivuses grim.
The best gravy comes in a jar.
My dad and I had the usual gift exchange of money this year. I send a box of pears and gift certificates for him and my stepmother, he writes me a check (which I give to my kids). But my stepmother skewed things by sending me a sweater (cashmere – isn’t there a Seinfeld about that?) in the most beautiful color in the world, a color that actually looks great on me (instead of on her). And it even fits!
Speaking of pears, our local FedEx outsources home delivery to the USPS. Seriously, what is the point of paying a premium price for FedEx delivery, only to have the box (of perishable fruit) sit in the post office for DAYS?
Happy Festivus!
Festivus is more acrimonious than happy, but I appreciate the sentiment.
I have never received any clothing at Christmas that was in a flattering color. Lavender, olive drab, and mustard, but nothing attractive. But yes, there is a cashmere sweater episode of Seinfeld. Check yours for a red dot; then you’ll know if she paid full price or not.
I find the FedEx/USPS connection works in the opposite way here. A lot of times when I’m getting a package that’s sent via USPS, it first arrives in the area at the FedEx distribution center. Usually, they drive it over to the post office, but at least some of the time, they deliver it directly to me. Of course, now that I’ve said that, I’ll probably receive a box of rotting tangerines on December 29th.
Something tells me you ARE running low on Dr. Feelgood. I know I am right about now, but thank you for the laughs, Miss Flurry. Happy Festivus!
Festivus is more indignant than happy, but your well wishes are duly noted.
Is Dr. Feelgood a kind of toaster waffle that comes in a box of 8? If so, then I am not running low. I have 7 left.
I just bought the domain sueeboebdavis.com!
Happy festivus!
Festivus is more spiteful than happy, but I accept your holiday greetings without assuming that you are being exclusionary with respect to my right to celebrate fake holidays.
Also since you are profligate, could you send me $17? I want to buy a rake.
No, no, never eat gluten-free stuff unless you have to! (I say this as a person who is getting ready to bake gluten-free Christmas cookies for her celiac husband.)
That’s a nice thing for you to do. Next year, if you don’t feel like baking, let me know and I will send you seven gluten-free waffles. (They might be a little freezer-burned.)
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels that way about electronic appliances–my father is NOTORIOUS for giving me as a gift ‘what I want but sort of what I don’t want’–in other words, a gadget expensive enough to make me feel guilty, but not the brand with the specifications wanted, because he read in Consumer Reports/saw it on sale in CostCo/ knows by male intuition that his taste is better.
I just made flourless peanut butter cookies for a gluten-intolerant friend for Christmas, but my gluten-free powers as a baker, especially if the person can’t eat oat flour, are pretty limited.
Yes, the similar gift is invariably more expensive, making you feel like an ingrate for not wanting it. This is why my wish list is now set to private.
I haven’t done any Christmas baking yet, but if I wait long enough it will be a moot point. I usually do muffins and quick breads instead of cookies, and this year the plan was a carrot cake/fruit cake hybrid muffin and gingerbread. Shopping at two different stores, I was unable to locate any unsweetened shredded coconut for the muffins or molasses and dutch process cocoa for the gingerbread. I briefly considered putting Milano cookies on a decorative paper plate and hoping no one would notice, but instead I think I’m going to be baking banana bread and cranberry muffins tomorrow.
I seem to be the only human left on Earth who has not seen the Festivus episode, but then again I think I’ve seen one Seinfeld episode in its entirety. However, since I hate to be left out, happy Festivus…or not, or whatever.
Meerkat.
Not. Definitely not. But it wouldn’t be amiss to wish me a Splenetic Festivus, if you’re so inclined. Also, if Seinfeld is running in syndication in your area later today, they’ll probably show the Festivus episode. They usually do on December 23, as if the holiday is an actual thing. It’s the one called, “The Strike.” I am telling you this as if you are actually interested in seeing the episode and somehow just haven’t had the opportunity at any time within the last fourteen years.
Not watching is my feat of strength. And a Splenetic Festivus be upon you.
I am rarely strong enough to not watch something. Hell, I watched American Idol for eight years. You have therefore won this portion of the festivities.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I just realized there was a typo when I put in my blog address. Blogspot goes to my site. Blogpot…less so. I spent a couple of seconds being very concerned that someone was squatting on my shiny new domain.
I am still annoyed that someone scooped up flurrious.com a few months after I started this blog. I had no intention of buying it myself, but that site looks like an email address harvester. Also, at this time of year, I get hundreds of hits from people who did a search for flurrious.com. I don’t understand why, if they know the URL, they can’t just type it in the address bar.
I haven’t been very well organized this year so I barely gave Christmas the attention it deserved, let alone Hanukkah or Festivus. As such, I didn’t get around to the airing of grievances.
Your number one grievance has made my own list in past. People ask me what I want, I direct them to my Amazon wishlist (if it’s a relative I also point out that my sister is an Amazon prime member and can get them free shipping), and then open a gift that I never wanted and have no use for. Last year I got an AnnaLee cat figure/doll/decoration that I donated (google “annalee christmas doll” for an example). I understand they are very popular with some collectors. I have no clue why; I think they are creepy.
The second part of my grievance would be anyone would buy me something that is considered a “collectible.” I collect things, but not collectibles. Never. If something loses value by being removed from its box or having the tag cut off, stick it in your own china cabinet– I don’t want it unless I can play with it, eat it, wear it, or throw it a raccoon.
I googled “annalee christmas doll” and I just know I’m going to have nightmares now. AnnaLee’s vision of Christmas seems primarily to involve evil-looking mice and the occasional bout of Santa molesting a reindeer. I also googled “annalee cat doll,” and your grievance is well-founded. Collectibles are for the most part tacky, but every once in a while I come across the Franklin Mint’s rendering of either a Charlie Brown Christmas or Halloween and I wonder if it would be truly terrible to buy something from the Franklin Mint if it involves Snoopy and I only display it once a year. I think it wouldn’t be so bad in itself, but I don’t do it as it might be a gateway to Will and Kate commemorative plates and eventually a house filled with Precious Moments figurines.
I got an 8 foot ladder for Christmas. Sadly, as a new homeowner, that’s the only thing I wanted. I hope you get (or got) your rake.
First, congratulations on the new home. And second, no I did not get my rake, but Valentine’s Day is not far away, so I remain hopeful.
Flurrious–I am of the opinion that anything with Snoopy is exempted from the ‘dreadful collectibles’ category. Snoopy has nostalgia value and soul. I really regret getting rid of my Snoopy collection. In contrast, a house filled with Precious Moments figurines sounds like the first scene of a really, really terrifying independent horror film.
I have a few Snoopy things from the 70s that I could never bear to part with, but I regret getting rid of all my old Peanuts paperbacks. I did it before starting college, thinking it was time to put away childish things, before I realized that being an adult kind of sucks.
Ok, so I read this after the fact, but I still have a few points to make:
1. The Benefit counter (and really all counters) at Macy’s are the reason I shop solely online now, even for things I know I could get just as easily at the mall. NO. NO MALL. NO MACY’S. Just… no.
2. It may be post-Festivus now, but I would like to air my grievances about returning to work. Why must we be taunted with the idea of how awesome it is to be unemployed but still paid, and then be forced to return to a thankless job?
I think that’s it. For now.
It is post-Festivus, but I’m still pretty pissed. I think it’s why I haven’t posted anything new. The first post of the new year is supposed to be hopeful and happy, but the only thing I feel like writing is a list of people I’d like to punch in the throat.