Only 349 More Shopping Days Until the End of the World
Happy 2012. I have already broken all my resolutions. There were only two, but now there are zero. Thank god that’s over with. Finally, I can relax.
I still have some goals for the year, however.
Why don’t I just tell you what they are?
1. Sell my house.
2. Move to Hawaii.
3. Win the Lotto.
4. Change careers.
5. Buy a pale orange rain jacket.
I think these are all equally likely to happen. Technically, I have already won the Lotto, but I have yet to cash in my ticket from the January 2nd drawing in which I won three dollars, and I don’t want to start imagining how much better my life will be until I actually have that cash in hand.
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Do you guys know about Teddy the Porcupine? Teddy wants you to have a Happy New Year.
On second thought, maybe Teddy doesn’t care about your new year.
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I have never seen an entire episode of The Bachelor, but I had planned to watch the show this year because I need something new to make fun of. Then I read an article about this season’s bachelor Ben in which he reveals that he’s given himself the nickname “Storm Horse” and runs with some idiots who call themselves “Frightening Lightening.” I don’t know if that’s how they think “lightning” is spelled or if they’re a group of vitiligo sufferers. He also said that he likes to go to football games “incognito,” which is probably a good thing seeing as how very few people know or care who he is. All of that was enough to convince me not to watch, but there was also a picture:
So am I being overly critical or does this guy look like — how should I put this delicately? — a neanderthal? I’m just not seeing him as someone whose affections a lot of women would vie for. On the other hand, maybe he has exceptional hunting and gathering skills. Looks good in a woolly mammoth pelt. Discovered fire. In any case, I missed the first episode, and I’ll never get caught up now, but next season for sure!
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I am beginning to sense that 2012 is not going to be a year of outstanding blog posts.
Oh, I think you should watch The Bachelor. Let me assure you, you will be able to catch up. Just think of all the fun you can have making fun of Storm Horse. I won’t watch but I will read your updates. Don’t let me down.
I usually only like these shows when there’s either a mean twist involved or there’s something unusual about the contestants, like that show about the lonely farmer who had a giant head. But I am curious (in a horrified way) about what kind of women would fight over this goofball.
Wishing you all the best for 2012 as well, and may all your goals be met! I must say, good luck realizing that goal of buying a pale orange rain jacket, as if! It’s good to aim high, but come on! But then again, we never know, right?! ;-)
Even though it rains here 300 days out of the year, it’s surprisingly hard to find a rain jacket that isn’t incredibly ugly. And orange is just difficult all the way around. It has to be just the right shade; otherwise you end up looking like a county jail inmate.
My true resolutions for this year are to get severed so I will have an excuse to retire early and lay around the house to my heart’s content, find my son a girl friend who will spark his ambitions (then he can support me in my old age when they do away with Social Security), and make it snow more here, climate change be damned.
I suppose like all Lotto winners, you will blow the money on useless materialistic purchases.
I’ve been trying to trap a rabbit in my backyard, but so far no luck. Maybe I should try corn.
By “severed” do you mean “fired” or are you talking about some kind of industrial accident? I would think the latter would be much easier to accomplish. I’ve been working since I was 15, and I’ve never seen anyone get fired, including a horrible woman who routinely ate whole chickens at her desk and kept a box of maxi pads on top of the file cabinet. In any case, you shouldn’t worry; they’re not going to do away with Social Security. They’re just going to raise the retirement age to 80 and reduce the benefits to $3 a month. I already have $3, so I’m set.
Might I recommend that you include the number 7 in all your lottery tickets henceforth? My rigorous studies of numerology, chaos theory, and animal husbandry tell me that if you take my advice, and yooooou wiiiiiiill(did I mention hypnotherapy), when you do win I’ll be able to legally claim to be your financial consultant and demand a high fee. Then I could buy you a squeaky porcupine and a meerkat.
Meerkats are cool.
My winning ticket did have a 7, but it wasn’t one of winning numbers. If it had been, I would have $30 instead of $3. You sir, are a charlatan! And yet I feel compelled to do as you say.
I would really like to have a porcupine and a meerkat, as well as a donkey and a goat and a pig that won’t get any larger than six pounds. I might need a bigger backyard.
Au contraire. An exceptional start to your blog posts for the year.
You’re just saying that because … I haven’t figured that part out yet.
Interestingly, I heard on the radio that tangerine is going to be the hot new color of 2012, and we’re going to see a proliferation of clothing that features that color later on. I often fantasize about winning a large sum of money, but I never play the lottery.
I’m a little superstitious so I only play the lottery with certain kinds of money. For example, if I find a forgotten ten dollar bill in the pocket of something I haven’t worn in a while, that’s lottery money. Also, any money I’ve won is lottery money; that started about fifteen years ago, when I bought a scratch ticket on a whim and won $60 and used that in Las Vegas shortly thereafter and won about $300. I think of the winnings as akin to sourdough starter, if that makes sense.
You know, I don’t think Teddy the Porcupine cares at all about my new year. What a prick. (ZING! See what I did there?) (Maybe my New Year’s resolution should be to make better jokes.)
Courtney will be here all week, folks! Try the veal!
But seriously, isn’t Teddy the best? I would like to run out and get my own porcupine, but I hear they’re pretty smelly, and I can’t figure out how you give one a bath.
I can’t believe that you don’t watch the Bachelor. It’s one of my very favorite crap shows, and to be honest, I was disappointed when they picked this Ben guy from last year’s crop of Bachelorette contestants. He’s probably one of the most dull people they’ve ever put on tv. He reminds me of dry toast. Dry, Wonder bread toast. Dry, week-old, Wonder bread toast.
Add to that, he was kind of a dick when he was rejected by the Bachelorette last season, and I think we have some super tv coming up this year. And now that I know about this Storm Horse and Lightening thing? I shall be glued to the television for the next 18 (or so) weeks.
Not that I have anything else better to do.
I’m wondering what the theory is behind selecting one of the rejects to be the star of the subsequent season. Because if he was rejected by someone who was rejected in the previous season (presumably by someone who was rejected in the season before that), then isn’t the main bachelor/bachelorette getting worse and worse each time? To the point where we’re going to be seeing 18 women competing for Carrot Top or Dr. Phil? I’m also wondering what the theory is behind Ben’s hair.
Buon 2012! Would love some gift ideas for the End of the World. I mean, what do you get the person who’s going to lose it all? Could be your next outstanding blog post IMHO…… ;)
I still want the toaster, but I’ll forgo the rake. If the apocalypse is coming, I’m not raking my neighbors’ stupid leaves out of the street anymore.
I think Carrot Top and Dr. Phil are probably both more interesting than Ben. Drrryyyyy Tooassssttttttt.
I saw a few minutes of it last night. Ben and a woman were in a movie theater watching home movies of some ugly kid who I assume was Ben as a child. Then Ben started crying. Then the woman started crying. Then they made out. This does not seem like a good date to me.
I wish you luck with all your goals, including the jacket. I spent a lot of time trying to find one for myself; we don’t get the amount of rain you do so I didn’t want to spend a lot, but we get enough that I felt I needed one. I ended up buying a second-hand Kenneth Cole jacket with sleeves that are too long, but it only cost me $8. That was a great story, wasn’t it.
My grandmother had a neighbor named Grace who was, I suppose, a nymphomaniac. Grace once told my grandmother that if she’d had as many pricks in her as Grace had that she would look like a porcupine. I never thought anyone would ever post anything on their blog that would justify my telling this story so you can imagine what a big day this is for me.
I’ve tried to watch shows like The Bachelor for the purpose of making fun of them, but I deal with too many stupid people in real life for it to be entertaining to see them on TV. I do sometimes watch Hoarders, though. I always feel the need to tidy a drawer or something afterward, so it serves a real purpose.
I love stories about bargains because I am a miser. I bought an All-Clad stockpot that was marked down by $100 because, as the salesperson in the overpriced housewares store said as she pointed to a barely noticeable discoloration in the lid, “it’s flawed.” If I had been thinking, I would have put a thumbprint on a 12″ skillet while I was there and gotten that for half-price as well.
Grace seems to have a pretty good attitude about being a nymphomaniac. That’s admirable, in its way. Speaking of skanks, I have a hard time with shows like The Bachelor because everyone pretends to be so earnest about the whole thing and acts like they’re in love after spending roughly 35 minutes with the other person. They also use the words “journey” and “connection” way too much. I wish someone would just admit that they’re only there because they want to be on TV.
Let me introduce you to Miss Banshee, who writes Bachelor recaps so hilarious that you have to watch the damned show (I put it on in the background while I’m working, so I can give it exactly the amount of attention it deserves) just so you can follow along with her. Here’s a link to the first one:
http://www.mamapop.com/2012/01/the-bachelor-season-16-episode-1-recap-screw-you-horse-you-rode-in-on.html
And an excerpt from the first paragraph: The old gang is all here, you, me, HARRISON, and…Ben. Oh, Ben. You were dumped on The Bachelorette and are probably the most beige guy who has ever beiged, and your hair…oh GOD the hair.
Enjoy.
Yes, the hair. What is up with the hair? He looks like Alfalfa, except at least Alfalfa had a comb and some pomade. But I don’t think I can watch this show even while I’m doing something else, even though in general I will watch almost anything. I can only take about ten minutes tops, and then I start to feel like there is no God.