Things I Learned From the Golden Globes
Christopher Plummer is still alive.
Jeremy Irons is still dead.
Johnny Depp is Polish now, maybe? I can’t quite place the accent, but it’s definitely Eastern European.
Jessica Biel has three breasts.
Reese Witherspoon has zero hairbrushes.
Dustin Hoffman looks more and more like Andrew Jackson every day.
There’s a cut-off age for wearing a dress that reveals your back, and I’m not sure exactly what it is, but Jane Fonda and Jessica Lange have passed it.
Jessica Lange in general: hot mess. But the women of a certain age club otherwise all looked pretty good. Meryl Streep is still beautiful. Helen Mirren is still beautiful. Glenn Close is still, well, let’s just go with “handsome.”
Mostly the show was boring, except for one incident that was rather upsetting to me personally and that was the Douche-Off between Elton John and Madonna. Both were nominated for Best Original Song and on the Red Carpet beforehand, Elton dismissively announced that Madonna wouldn’t win and that he wasn’t making a prediction, he was stating a fact. He’s pretty pompous for a guy who sold out years ago. The upsetting part is that his pronouncement actually made me root for Madonna a little, and let me tell you, that shit is not on.
On the other hand, there really couldn’t have been a better outcome. Because Madonna did in fact win, prompting Elton to make this face:
Then later, they brought Madge back out again to embarrass herself with an assist from Ricky Gervais. As far as I’m concerned, it makes up for the crap job he did on the tenth anniversary DVD release of the UK version of The Office.
Ricky: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome once again that skank, Madonna.
Madonna: Ricky, you are so gay, but in the lame way, not the way that I am sometimes gay in a totally edgy way. I dare you to have sex with me because I’m the last person in the world who still buys into the pathetic persona I created for myself in 1985 and can’t seem to relinquish no matter how veiny my arms get.
Ricky [running off stage as fast as he can]: Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!
Madonna might be the biggest posturing phony in show business, but Demi Moore still exists, so it’s hard to say. Ideally, they’ll marry, move into a crumbling mansion, and spend the rest of their days trying to out-Norma-Desmond each other.
Other things were even more confusing:
Oh, wait. Now it all makes sense.
That’s Tilda Swinton. She’s androgylicious!
I agree with 89% of this comment.
Laughing out loud about your commentary regarding Dustin Hoffman–I didn’t see the show, but now I don’t feel I missed anything. I rather like Madonna–not so much her music, but it’s always entertaining to see what ‘phase’ she is in, kind of like the phases of the celebrity moon. Also, if I was a mildly talented star from the 1980s with money to burn, I’d buy an English country manor, lots of horses, do yoga, and try to have a British accent as well. Helen Mirren is one of my favorite actresses of all time. I’ve secretly wanted to be her ever since I saw the first Prime Suspect as a kid.
I liked Madonna’s hair on the Who’s That Girl album cover, but aside from that I have nothing positive to say about her. But last night on ET or one of those shows, I heard that she and Demi Moore were sitting together at one of the after-parties. If an announcement that they’re buying the Grey Gardens mansion doesn’t ensue, I’m going to be bitterly disappointed.
Like Chew the Fat, I thank you for filling me in on what I missed. Someone I know was on Facebook updating their status every five minutes or so and it made me glad I wasn’t watching, but your take makes me wish I had just a little. Glenn Close — handsome. Good call.
Madonna, she truly is the biggest phony since I don’t even know who . . . Mother Teresa, maybe. People give her credit for things that singers, dancers and performers were doing before she was even born. I think the only thing she may actually be responsible for is half-assed artists rejecting their childhood religion in favor of one that is seemingly very different but actually pretty much the same.
I was in a grocery line the other day and the man in front of me looked unbelievably like Elton John from the back. His face did not, but from the backside, his shape, hair, earrings, glass frames, etc. all made him look like Elton. It could not have been coincidence, which means this man wanted to look like Elton John. Huh.
I saw a woman at Nordstrom who looked like Kim Kardashian in the sense that they are both human females with dark hair. But from her makeup and clothes, you could tell she was trying to look like Kim and the saleswoman, who was evidently on commission, commented on the resemblance. Fake Kim said something about how they both have big butts, causing all of the other women in the vicinity to look at her butt but then refrain from saying, “yeah, but at least real Kim’s butt has a shape.” Maybe that was just me.
As long as I’m on the topic, I don’t understand why Khloe is so upset about people claiming she’s not a real Kardashian. It makes me sad when people can’t take compliments.
I don’t care for the number of typos in that post of mine.
I fixed them. But then I added others.
Do you know why people ever though Glenn Close was… pretty? Or sexy or something? I remember people thinking she was attractive and I could never understand it. She’s an incredibly severe looking woman and she always has been – even when they filmed her through gauze to make her look “soft”.
I think “handsome” is quite appropriate, actually.
I didn’t watch the show, but i’m quite curious about Jessica Biel now.
It was probably because of Fatal Attraction, which is what caused people to really notice her even though she’d been reasonably famous for a few years before that movie. It’s the whole “mentally deranged women are super hot” thing that I hate so much.
Jessica Biel was wearing a lacy dress that had some unfortunate gathering in the front, making her look as if she had an extra, somewhat low-slung boob in the center of her chest. This is the best picture I could find, although it was worse when she moved around.
I didn’t watch the Globes this year. I forgot they were even on. That should tell you something about my life right now.
I always want to hold Tilda Swinton down and put eye makeup on her. I VERY badly want to do this.
Yes, a little mascara wouldn’t be the worst idea. The pale lashes combined with the sunken eyes make her look too ghostly otherwise. The blonde hair isn’t doing her any favors either; on the other hand, when she goes red, she probably gets tired of being mistaken for Eric Stoltz.
Tilda is proof that you really don’t have to be attractive to make it in life. She gives me a little bit of hope.
YOU SHUT UP, GIRL! YOU KNOW YOU’RE CUTE!
I do so love it when you train your snark sights on celebrities. I do, however, really like me some of that Sofia Vergara.
Sofia is universally desirable. She’s like the female Tommy Lee Jones, except with a good complexion.
Wait, Jeremy Irons is dead? and Madonna is still alive?
Madonna will live forever. Someday, it will just be her and the roaches. As for Jeremy Irons, I concede that he was feeling up the arm of that Hollywood Foreign Press woman pretty vigorously, so it’s possible he’s still with us. But based on his appearance, I’m pretty sure he sleeps upside down in his attic.