In Which I Do All of NaBloPoMo in One Day
I tried to do the very first NaBloPoMo in November 2006, but I quit after nine days, shortly after posting a photo of my toilet brush caddy. A couple of years ago, I posted every day in the month of June, but I was obviously kidding myself. If it’s not November, it doesn’t count. Since I’m clearly too late to do it this month, I’m going to answer all the daily writing prompts in one sitting. I hope one of them isn’t “post a photo of your toilet brush caddy.” That’s been done to death.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Tell us your favorite quotation and why.
“Hello, I’m Jeffrey, and I’ll be your server this evening,” because it means I can eat without cooking first.
On a somewhat related note, I recently stopped following a blog because the blogger quoted himself in an asinine way. It was one of those allegedly inspirational “simplify your life” blogs so I was probably going to quit reading it anyway as sooner or later those people invariably suggest that the answer to all of life’s problems is color-coded storage bins, but he helped move things along by being a jackass. For the purposes of this story, let’s say the guy’s name is John Smith. Basically what John did was to advise his readers to remember some words to live by, then he set off a stupid unoriginal homily in a quote box, and attributed it to … John Smith! What was he thinking, “Oh that me! I’m so wise!” It would be like me saying to you that when life gets difficult, you should never forget the following:
Get the toilet brush caddy!
Friday, November 2, 2012
If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
Sometimes I think I would like to live in 1964, but more for the clothes and the furniture and less for the oppression and smaller portion sizes.
Monday, November 5, 2012
What are your thoughts about tomorrow’s election in the United States?
Get the toilet brush caddy!
Being a socialist, free stuff wanting, member of the 47%, I am of course happy and relieved about the outcome, but this election cycle was the worst. I didn’t think anything could get nastier than the 2008 season, but this one was exponentially more heinous. On the bright side, Trump, Palin, and Coulter made huge strides toward their ultimate state of complete ineffectuality and (one hopes) obscurity, and if that doesn’t prove that America is on the right track, nothing will.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
If you were President of the United States, what would be your first act in office?
Self-impeachment. Seriously, people, should this country ever devolve to the point where I am President of the United States, my advice to you is this: emigrate.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Talk about the last compliment you received.
Someone told me I was the best! Right before that, that same person described another person’s shiny wide belt as the best! I have also heard her say that barbecue corn nuts are the best! So I didn’t get too excited about the compliment, as it was pretty much “I love lamp.”
Thursday, November 8, 2012
If you could have any job (and instantly have the training and qualifications to do it), which job would you want?
Even the mere idea of doing something new makes me tired. I’ve been working for 33 years. I just want to sit on my couch and read a magazine, is that too much to ask?
Friday, November 9, 2012
If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be?
I would have worn different socks this morning. My feet are super cold right now.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Where is your favorite place to blog?
Because you guys care about that, right?
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done?
I did do something brave once, but there’s no way to talk about it without being a self-aggrandizing asshole. It would be like saying that when life gets hard, you should remember this:
My feet are super cold right now.
So let’s just say that I haven’t been entirely worthless every day of my life, but on most of them, yes.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tell us about the best meal you ever cooked.
I have no idea. But since it’s almost Thanksgiving, I will tell you about Carol, my former work-friend who I hated, who told me the best meal she ever cooked was a vegetarian Thanksgiving. She invited her non-vegetarian parents and told them there would be no gross animal flesh involved (I’m pretty sure she used those words too, since she was often looking at my tuna salad sandwiches and declaring them to be “gross meat things” because that’s not rude at all) and they said that would be fine. Her parents came, they ate, they said it was all very good, and they didn’t complain that it was ratatouille instead of turkey. The next day she and her husband dropped by her parents’ house unannounced and her parents were eating a traditional Thanksgiving turkey dinner, at which point Carol started screaming at them because, well, because psycho, I guess. She also never celebrated another holiday with them again because: psycho. But now I can’t think of either Thanksgiving or ratatouille without hearing Carol say, “and that food was the best food I’ve ever eaten in my life and they had to ruin it!” by having different food on a different day in a different house. Or in other words: psycho.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Tell us about your favorite pet.
Aside from a couple of hamsters, a few goldfish, and a tankful of tropical fish that all succumbed to ichthyophthirius because I was an 11-year-old and giving a tankful of tropical fish to an 11-year-old is not good thinking, I’ve only had two cats as pets. Their lives did not overlap, and thus I can say with complete truthfulness that they were each the best cat in the world. I lost one in 1980 and the other in 2011 and I’ll never not miss both of their sweet little faces.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Would you buy your dream house if the price was right BUT you also were told it was inhabited by ghosts?
Not to belabor the obvious, but if it’s inhabited by ghosts, then by definition it’s not my dream house. It’s not like I sit around in my current house wishing that I had a bigger kitchen, more closet space, and the shadowy forms of the restless souls of the dead flicking the lights on and off. On the other hand, if it’s a friendly ghost, like Casper or that sea captain in The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, then I would probably be okay with it, assuming there’s also an eat-in kitchen with a center island.
Monday, November 19, 2012
If you had to get locked in some place (book store, amusement park, etc) overnight alone, where would you choose to be locked in?
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Talk about the opening of your favorite book.
I’ve said this before, but I don’t have a single favorite book because different books are important to me for different reasons. But if I did have one, it would be the dictionary, and the first word in the dictionary is the word “a,” which is defined in part as the first letter of the English alphabet. This would seem like quite the coincidence, until you realize that the dictionary goes in alphabetical order.
Oh, wait, I’ve got something (not really). I once mentioned to a coworker that I liked the book All Creatures Great and Small. I told him it was about a veterinarian in the Yorkshire Dales and he expressed interest in reading it, so I brought in my copy the next day to lend to him. When I gave it to him, he was all, “saaaaay, I happen to have tickets to [some play whose name I can't remember] and since you’re interested in all things English, perhaps you’d like to see it with me.” Okay, (a) just because I lent him a book that takes place in England doesn’t mean I’m interested in “all things English,” and (b) CRAP, I don’t want to go out with this dude. But my tendency to avoid conflict goes way back, so I said, “um … okay, I guess,” and went to see a truly horrible play with him. After the play, we went to a jazz club, where he repeatedly and awkwardly would go, “woo!” at the end of a set and then look over at me like, “yeah, I’m hip.” I thought the night would never end. For the next three weeks or so, I fended off repeated invitations to go out and finally I said, “are you done with that book yet? I’d really like to have it back.” He said, “I’m stuck on the part where he’s delivering the calf and has his arm in the cow up to his shoulder.” I refrained from pointing out that scene occurs on page 1. Eventually I got the book back, but I had to keep it away from my other books until it recovered from being in the same house as a bottle of Drakkar Noir.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Where is your favorite place to read?
This is quite possibly the least interesting question on the internet.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
When was the last time that you cried? Why?
I cry all the time so you can’t go by me, but the other morning I was watching a news segment where a group of people were getting sworn in as American citizens by Janet Napolitano and that made me all teary-eyed. It also made me laugh because when they got to the part of the oath where they had to agree to bear arms on behalf of the United States, the camera cut to a little old lady from Thailand whose face bore the expression, “jigga what?”
Friday, November 23, 2012
What is the hardest word for you to say?
I had a few qualms just now with “jigga,” but eventually I decided it was probably okay.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Do you speak more than one language? How did you learn the additional languages?
English (as you know, I am interested in all things English), enough Japanese to ask a question but not enough to understand the answer, and I know how to say that I have a broken leg in French.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
If you could instantly know any language in the world, which one would it be?
FORTRAN. Wait, is FORTRAN still a thing?
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tell us about the worst trip you ever took.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tell us about three new blogs you found this year.
chew the fat. Mary’s writing is part food blog and part memoir. She focuses on baking, which I don’t do all that often unless it involves hitting a can on the edge of the counter and having biscuits pop out, but her blog is a favorite of mine because she’s such a good storyteller. She also does an occasional food personality quiz, in which she determines who you are by what kind of cereal or Halloween candy you prefer. I found the peanut butter quiz in particular to be frighteningly accurate.
Between Rome and Paradise. I’ve been reading two of Abby’s three blogs for a few years now (and I would have been reading the third, had I known that it might include photos of pole-dancing squirrels), but recently she merged her personal, knitting, and gardening blogs into one, which I appreciate because I can only click on so many things a day. I do have to work sometime you know. At any rate, Abby’s got a brand new blog! Go say hello.
Tofugu. Tofugu is a quirky blog about … well, I hate to say about “all things Japanese” because it reminds me of a colleague who tried to turn “all things English” into a mating ritual, but Tofugu really is about all things Japanese. It’s about the culture, food, and language; it’s sometimes serious and sometimes just nutty. There are too many notable posts to link to, but a few recent post titles are, “It’s Hibagon! The Smaller, Cuter, Japanese Version of Bigfoot,” “Conquer Your Fears By Eating Them With Halloween Bento Boxes,” and “The Japanese Are Giving Everyone Incurable Gonorrhea.” I am also in love with the “How To Be A Baka Gaijin” series, apropos of which I would like to belatedly apologize to the people who were on the same train with me from Narita about all my oversized luggage.
Friday, November 30, 2012
What has been the hardest part about blogging daily?
It’s been going pretty smoothly, actually.