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Flenin

November 30, 2012


 
WELL, NOW I AM DEPRESSED.

In happier news, I won this book in a giveaway that Mary recently held at chew the fat:

It's a perfectly reasonable way of life.

(In unhappier news, WordPress’s new photo uploader sucks. Congratulations on your continued slide toward total unusability, WordPress!)

The winner was chosen at random and thus it is purely a coincidence that I won something from Mary shortly after I linked to her and told you all to go read her blog, but just in case other forces are at work here, have I ever mentioned that Toyota and the Washington State Lottery have really good websites? I’m not just saying that.

At any rate, this is a great book and I’ve already picked out a few recipes that I’m going to use to make Christmas cookies for friends and neighbors, which is something I haven’t done since … let’s see now, never. I’ve never made Christmas cookies for friends and neighbors. (And by “neighbors,” I mean “old man who lives across the alley.” If the rest of the people on my block want cookies, then maybe next year, they’ll rake their leaves out of the storm drain once in a while instead of watching me do it twice a week every week all fall not that I’m annoyed about that or anything.)

In preparation for the Festival of Holiday Baking 2012, I purchased these cookie cutters so I can make ninjabread men:

I have traveled many miles and now have come disguised as a pimp to help you.

because it’s not Christmas until someone gets a beat down.

So I have the cookbook, I have the cookie cutters, and yesterday I discovered that I have cream of tartar. Why? No one knows. What I don’t have is butter. I was in the store yesterday and meant to buy a ridiculous amount of butter because (a) cookie-baking and (b) butter was on sale and God knows I love a good sale. But then I got flustered and forgot.

As you may or may not recall, I have contentious relationships with butchers all over this city, with the exception of the butcher at my neighborhood grocery store, whom I refer to as the Billy Idol butcher because of his spiky unnaturally blond hair. You may also recall that I have a little crush on the Billy Idol butcher for reasons having to do with unseasoned ground turkey. It’s a boring story so I won’t tell it again; besides, if you really cared about me, you would remember everything I’ve ever said, even the stuff about my boring dentist. I haven’t seen the Billy Idol butcher for months, so I assumed he’d moved on to a job cattle ranching or at the slaughterhouse or possibly even something non-meat related. And honestly, I was relieved because when I’m around guys I have a little crush on I tend to get extra dull and rude. No, I’ve never married, why do you ask? So, yesterday, I’m in the meat department looking for a package of chicken thighs that contains fewer than 25 chicken thighs because I’m not a wolverine for God’s sake, when I spot the biggest turkey drumstick I’ve ever seen. It was a single drumstick weighing two and a half pounds.

Me: Jeez, look at this turkey drumstick!

Elderly Chinese Man [giving me the side eye]: …

Me: It’s huge!

Elderly Chinese Man [staring at me with open hostility]: …

Me: This is the biggest drumstick I’ve ever seen!

Elderly Chinese Man [walking away]: …

Disembodied Voice: Yep, 30 pound turkey.

Me [continuing to gape at turkey leg]: It looks like a sheep’s leg.

Disembodied Voice: Pterodactyl leg!

Me: GODZILLA L… [turning toward Disembodied Voice, discovering who it belongs to]

OMG THE BILLY IDOL BUTCHER [smiling, quizzical expression on face]: … ?

Me: It’s big. [quickly wheels cart away]

After that, I was too out-of-sorts to remember to buy butter. Oh, damn, I just realized I also forgot to buy chicken.

14 Comments
  1. Jen permalink
    November 30, 2012 3:10 PM

    You make me laugh — but this made me choke http://www.gizoogle.net/index.php?search=http%3A%2F%2Fflurrious.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F11%2F30%2Fflenin%2F&se=Gizoogle+Dis+Shiznit

     
     
    I hope you realize that this is yet another thing Republicans will blame on Obama.

  2. Jen permalink
    November 30, 2012 3:11 PM

    I tried to use my real email address and stupid wordpress tried to make me make an account and shizzit.

     
     
    I give up on trying to understand what WordPress is doing.

  3. Jen permalink
    November 30, 2012 3:22 PM

    I hope yo ass realize dat dis is yet another muthafuckin thang Republicans will blame on Obizzay.

    They need to blame it on Flava Flav & Snoop Dog/Lion

     
     
    Now I’m not sure what year this is.

  4. November 30, 2012 3:59 PM

    Open a can, open a jar, open a bag of chips – even I can do that! I would stir more thoroughly, though. Does the mayor of Newark know about this recipe?

     
     
    His official title is The Next Vice-President of the United States Booker, and I would guess yes. As for stirring, I think once you dump the cheese sauce on top of the chili, the sadness of the situation takes over, and you lack the strength to do any serious mixing.

  5. November 30, 2012 4:05 PM

    Thanks for the heads-up once again! I love Toyota, so I may try your strategy on my blog as well. I’ve given up hope on the lottery since I didn’t even win $2 on the last scratch-off ticket that I bought years ago.

    I love those cookie cutters! Those would make some badass gingerbread men! And I act the same way around men I have crushes on, leaving them thinking: “she is nice, but seems to have some sort of a personality disorder, poor thing.” Random strange male employees who slightly scare me at stores, however, will press their name and number into my palm, unsolicited.

    Having even a flirtatious relationship with a butcher would be very advantageous, given the price of meat and the difficulty of finding decent cuts! Maybe you should bake Billy Idol some cookies…until you return for butter you could always use the cutters to make turkey meatloaves….

     
     
    I bought a Powerball ticket for the last drawing just so I could dream for a couple of days about being obscenely wealthy, but I didn’t win so it’s back to the storm drains for me!

    The Billy Idol butcher is at least ten and possibly close to 20 years younger than I am, so I feel like it would be creepy if I tried to flirt with him. I suspect if I baked cookies for him, he might start calling me mom or something, and then I could never shop there again. Actually, I’m trying to remember the last time a store clerk flirted with me, and I think it might have been the toothless guy at the Christmas tree lot, which at least makes it a seasonal memory.

  6. November 30, 2012 7:34 PM

    I’ll be sure to look for a 30-pound turkey leg at my next Taste of Chicago. Or is it the leg of a 30-pound turkey?

     
     
    Ha. It’s the leg of a 30-pound turkey. But I would like to see the turkey that has a 30-pound leg and also introduce him to my non leaf raking neighbors.

  7. Marius permalink
    December 1, 2012 5:24 AM

    In a strange twist of coincidence and, possibly, irony (I’m never sure since Alanis Morissette ruined the word forever) the only man I have a crush on is Hugh Jackman, who plays Wolverine.

    The saddest thing about that video is that it seems to be totally devoid of snark or irony (there it is again). He seems to actually think he’s giving a genuine cooking tip.

    Ninja bread cookies seem like a great idea, but if you do it right wouldn’t the cookie sheet be empty when you take it out of the oven?

    And I have some butter, if you’d like some.

     
     
    Irony as a concept has been ruined, hasn’t it? It’s not just the stupid song, but also that a good percentage of the people who say, “real irony, not the Alanis Morissette kind” don’t know either. These tend to be the people who talk about wearing items of clothing in an ironic way, thus demonstrating that they have a severe misunderstanding of both irony and their own level of hipness. Which is ironic if you think about it. Or maybe it isn’t, I can’t tell anymore.

    There are a whole series of sad Weber Cooks videos, but this one was the saddest. And I’ve seen the one where he makes Rice-a-Roni in a microwave, so that’s saying something.

    For your observation about the ninja cookies, sir:

    Cassette drive backup not included.

  8. Marius permalink
    December 1, 2012 5:30 AM

    I must also apologize for stranding an orphaned comma that should have a mate up there, and for putting way too many letters into the aforementioned singer’s name.

     
     
    I fixed them for you (it took me three tries and a Google assist to spell Morissette correctly) but reserve the right to add errors to future comments.

  9. larabobara permalink
    December 4, 2012 9:16 AM

    Oh, Flurrious, how I love you! I kind of love Billy Idol Butcher, too.

    Also, I forgot to buy butter before making Thanksgiving dinner, so now I pick up a pound every time I’m at a grocery store. If my whole family has heart attacks this year, you’ll know why.

     
     
    It’s been ages since I baked cookies, but now that I’m looking at recipes, I’m amazed at how much butter they use. Like, really, a whole stick? That seems like a death wish. Not that it matters, though, as I was at a different store this morning and forgot to buy butter AGAIN. Maybe I’ll just give everyone Oreos and Fig Newtons.

  10. December 6, 2012 2:50 PM

    You’ve reminded me: I need to buy some butter too. And also not make my neighbors any cookies because I have 3 little trees in my yard and yet I bagged up 16 bags of leaves last weekend because of my neighbors’ trees. Not that I expect them to rake the leaves when they blow into my yard, but still, I am not making them cookies because I hate that their leaves blow in my yard. And also I hate baking.

     
     
    I don’t mind raking what blows into my yard, but I feel like the public street should be a shared effort among all of the people on my block. The flaw in this plan, however, is that all the people on my block are useless. None of them even have the sense to call the electric company when the power goes out. They just sit there in the dark.

  11. December 7, 2012 8:21 AM

    I am especially fond of the fact that you fix typos for your commenters. That’s SERVICE.

    I am less fond of the fact that you’re rude and quiet with guys you like. Since you’ve been so nice to me, that can only mean you don’t like me.

     
     
    WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Oops, I apologize. You know I’ve always disliked you. Wait, now I’m confused. I BLAME YOU! Once again, I couldn’t be more sorry.

  12. December 10, 2012 7:54 PM

    Congrats on your win. I love the cookie cutters, they are too much! I had the hardest time finding snowflakes ones that actually looked like snowflakes, oh well! Hope you have as much fun baking as I did!

     
     
    I still haven’t bought butter so the baking’s not going to happen until this weekend. This should be exciting and/or a disaster.

  13. December 21, 2012 4:18 PM

    That video is the best thing I have ever seen. Anything that unlocks the mysteries of nachos is worthy of 2:54 of my life that I will never get back.

     
     
    Ha! “Let’s see, I have the chips and the cheese. NOW WHAT DO I DO?”

  14. Stefanie permalink
    December 21, 2012 6:02 PM

    1. Someday you will get your Prius. I’m sure of it. (I’m not, really, but if I had anything to do with it, you would.)

    2. That is the saddest cooking video I have ever seen. First I was irreconcilably bothered by the fact that he put CHILI in the MICROWAVE for four minutes WITHOUT COVERING IT. (Oh, the mess! The splatter! He’s going to regret that one.) Then I was bothered by the stirring (or lack thereof). By the time he got to the chips and couldn’t be bothered to muster the energy to open the bag in any proper, non-animal-like way, I was just as depressed as he is and frankly didn’t care how few chips he scattered sadly on a plastic plate.

    3. I have no idea what Flenin is (should I?), but you are Google’s #2 result for it.

     
     
    1. The Prius is more of a blog thing; I went off it once I remembered that I only drive about 2000 miles a year. I’m really hoping for a free Honda Fit.

    2. I particularly like the arty, slow-motion close-up at the end. I call that part The Despair of the Velveeta.

    3. Flenin is what Chandler Bing used to say whenever he got flustered. If he had a little crush on the Billy Idol butcher, it’s what he would have said before he hastily wheeled his cart away.

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