A to Z: The Musical!
I ganked this from someone’s blog. I don’t remember whose, which I suppose means that I found their answers tedious. It’s probably a Facebook thing and everyone but me has already done it because I have no interest in Facebook, unless we’re talking about how Mark Zuckerberg’s sister is all upset because she thought she was posting a private photo but her brother’s philosophy on privacy is, “there is none, dumb fucks,” and instead of blaming the policies of a company that gave her a career and immense wealth, she’s mad at the people who saw the photo and is going around saying, “but … but … what about HUMAN DECENCY?!?” to which the internet has responded, “LOL and something about petards.”
Age: 49. Next year, I will be 50. 50! My god. I’m going to stop blogging before then, I think. Being a 50-year-old with a blog is like being a 30-year-old with a roommate.
Bed Size: Non-standard. My bedroom has a queen-size mattress, which used to be of the perfect level of firmness until I started edging closer to 50. 50! My god. And now I have the back of an old person, an old person who’s lived an evil life and is now deserving of no comfort. So instead of using the bed, I sleep on a stack of quilts on the floor and sing songs from Les Mis until I fall asleep.
Chore that you hate: Small talk with neighbors. Just wave to me and go in your house, already.
Dogs: I like dogs a lot, but I’m a cat person. Though if I had a farm, in addition to all the cats, I would probably have a couple of dogs, a donkey, a goat, a bunch of chickens, and a miniature cow named “Buttermilk.”
Essential start to your day: Coffee and internet. And because it’s Christmas week, a piece of pumpkin pie. I don’t care if it’s 6:00 AM, I’m eating pie.
Favorite Color: The “what’s your favorite whatever” questions are some of the most boring questions ever. Let’s all agree not to ask these anymore.
Greatest achievement: Earlier this year, I removed a splinter from my pinkie finger.
Height: It varies. It’s somewhere between 5’4″ and 5’5″, the exact measurement dependent upon how put-upon I feel at any particular moment.
Instruments that you play: I know how to play D and A7 on the guitar, so please contact me for all your “Michael Row the Boat Ashore” accompaniment needs.
Justin Bieber: I don’t mind him. The first time I saw him was when he sang the opening lines on the We Are The World 25 video, and I recall thinking, “who is this pimple?” but I guess I’ve gotten used to him. Having just rewatched that video, I have to say, he’s not even the main problem. What’s going on with Wyclef Jean? Is his Ear, Nose, and Throat guy out of town, or what? Then there’s Brian Wilson, who makes me sad. I feel like we should do a USA for Brian Wilson video. Also, in the group scene, who is the old white dude next to Jennifer Hudson? Is that Faison from General Hospital? I think it’s Faison. My favorite thing about it is that Jeff Bridges is there, playing the part of Dan Aykroyd. You know what? Just watch the original. It’s a million times better, and I’m not just saying that because I know who all of those people are. I’m also saying it because it’s a million times better. And because I think everything from the past was better because I am an old person. I’m almost 50, you know. 50! My god.
Kids: As in baby goats? YES.
Live: I’m not sure I understand this question. I live, yes. Well, sort of. I mean, I sleep on the floor and ate pie before it got light out, but still. It’s something.
Mother’s Name: Shall I also give you my date of birth and Social Security Number? Nice try, internet.
Nicknames: I AM OPPOSED.
Obama or McCain: Oh. This is an old meme.
Pet peeves: Vehicular? Tailgating. Everything else? Everything else.
Get the toilet brush caddy!
Or, no. How about:
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
– Plato, maybe. Maybe not.
Subway or Quiznos: Am I being punished for something?
Twitter: @flurrious. Unusual choice, I know. I tweet with about the same frequency that I update my blog.
Underwear: The sad thing is that I know I have talked about underwear here before. I have talked about my underwear on the internet. I am duly ashamed.
Vegetable(s) you hate: None, in particular. I find artichokes not worth the effort, but I don’t hate them.
What makes you run late: In general, I’m a punctual person. Not that I’m never late, but I always try to be on time, and I usually am. I find chronically late people rude because by being late they’re saying that their time is more important than your time, the subtext being that they are more important than you. This could go under the pet peeves question. Also, the age question because I am old and only have so much time left. I’m almost 50, you know. 50! You know the rest.
X-rays you’ve had: Mostly dental. Part of me believes that dental x-rays are a scam. I mean, a chest x-ray, okay, because your lungs are on the inside. But my teeth are right there. Just look at them!
Yummy food that you make: Potstickers. I use Ming Tsai’s mom’s recipe, but I don’t make my own wrappers because I’m not a fanatic. Buying a package of won ton wrappers is the reasonable thing to do here.
Zoo animal: Again, I’m at a loss as to what the question is. So instead I will pretend the question was Zappos and say that I do not buy shoes online, and I do not understand people who do.