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More Things I’m Thinking About While Waiting For the Plumber Again (Alternate Title: Jesus H. Christ)

July 11, 2013

I said this in the comments yesterday, but when the plumbers put the sink back on the wall, they put it about 1/4″ to the right of where it was originally and now the bathroom door won’t close. I didn’t discover it until about 7:00 last night when I tried to shut the door and it hit the side of the sink and I said, “Oh really?” to no one in particular right there in the doorway, then I went into the living room and laid down on the floor until the physical pain subsided.

So now I’m waiting for them to return so they can move the sink back to where it was and I can stop spontaneously cramping.

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Which reminds me, I’m commenting on my own posts now, in part to see if anyone is paying attention. I’m seeing more and more people complain that no one leaves comments on their blogs anymore, so I’m hoping they’ll all adopt the self-commenting thing and also maybe relax. I mean, yes, commenting is down, as is blog readership in general. I probably get only half as many page views and comments as I did a year ago — and that was only maybe 75% of what I was getting the year before that, as I stopped updating this thing on a regular basis quite a while ago — but I can’t say it affects my life in any way. Don’t get me wrong, I like it when people read and comment, but if relatively few people do, I don’t start cutting my own hair in front of the mirror and screaming, “You’re ugly! UGLY!” at my reflection.

Things have dropped off even more since Google Reader died and its users have decided that instead of finding a replacement, they will go outside and get some fresh air. I’m going to start publicizing on twitter when I have a new post, but since as many people find that annoying as they find it helpful, I may end up driving off the few, apparently super bored people who continue to come here. Bright side: as soon as it’s just me reading this blog, I’m going to host a giveaway for a Kindle Fire.

Oh, and as long as we’re somewhat on the topic of comments, I recently (well, six months ago, maybe) discovered that if your browser is two or more versions out of date, you won’t be able to comment, as in, you won’t even be able to type anything in the comment box. The comment box is just a rectangle at the bottom of the page to you. So if you want to comment but haven’t been able to, it might be your browser. And if you don’t want to comment, that’s okay too because I have a boyfriend but you can’t meet him because he lives in Canada.

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Also, while I am thinking of it, some of you need to clear your cache and cookies. I just know, okay?

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As disgusting as the Justin Bieber story is, the headline in which I learned of this most recent bit of grossness was hilariously efficient: “WTF: Justin Bieber Urinates Into Mop Bucket While Yelling ‘F*ck Bill Clinton’ For Some Reason” People were wondering if the restaurant employees knew that he’d peed in the mop bucket (and whether they’d later mopped the floor with the pee water, which depends in part I suppose on whether this was an IHOP, in which case it hardly matters because have you smelled an IHOP ever?) but based on the conversation, it sounds as if some of his idiotic entourage were trying to frame the event to some lingering busboys or cooks or whoever as A Moment To Remember, which I suppose it is in a horrifying kind of way. My favorite part of the video (go ahead, it’s distasteful but only 45 seconds long), is when one of the idiots yells out, “we’re the fucking Wild Kidz!” I mean, really. How afraid am I supposed to be of people who give themselves an ersatz gang name that ends in a “z”? They’re not exactly United Blood Nation is my thinking on the matter. “Wild Kidz” sounds more like the kind of gang Peter Brady would join. His would be called the Groovy Stepkidz, and they would terrorize their suburb by riding around on Schwinn Bikez until after dark and knocking on doorz to demand pork chopz and applesauze.

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The plumbers have come and gone, my sink has been moved to its rightful place in the world, and my stomach no longer hurts.

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13 Comments
  1. July 11, 2013 2:50 PM

    Here’s a comment for you. Funny post. And I wonder if Whiz Kidz would be a more appropriate group name the Biebs and his homies. Har. Har. Har.

     
     
    Whiz Kidz! Excellent work, Pam. Slow clap (the admiring kind, not the sarcastic kind) for you.

  2. July 11, 2013 3:00 PM

    Commenting so you’ll feel the love. I’ve been quietly stalking your blog for ages. Now I’ll come out and wave hi and stuff. Also, Justin Bieber needs to go away already, agreed?

     
     
    See, now I’m torn. On the one hand, happy to have a delurker. On the other, this pushes back the date when I give myself a Kindle Fire.

    Despite everything, Bieber doesn’t bother me that much. He seems like a nice enough but really dumb kid. Also, he makes me laugh for a long time when he does things like threaten photographers.

  3. July 11, 2013 4:39 PM

    HOLY AWESOME! That’s the best shout-out I’ve ever received! Here I was all ready to leave you a snarky comment about expensive boots and my disgust for all things Bieber, but now all I wanna do is give ya a big ‘ol hug.

    Hey, did you try goread.io? It’s almost exactly the same as Google Reader, will pull in your Reader feeds, and even uses the Google login so you don’t have to make yet another stupid online account.

     
     
    What, no online hug? You know how to do it. You type flurrious inside of nested parentheses. Like so:

    (((((flurrious)))))

    And then in response, I say

    :-D

    Which you misinterpret, responding thusly

    |:-(

    making me feel terrible about the misunderstanding, so I apologize with

    :'(

    and you forgive me with a

    8-)

    After that we go to the mall and buy high-waisted jeans and flavored coffee because we’re obviously stuck in 1993.

    I finally settled on The Old Reader. I figured out that it only crashes when accessing one particular Japanese site. I think it has something to do with the way that site embeds its videos because first Flash player shuts down and then the browser crashes. If I switch to list view before looking at that feed, I don’t have a problem. Old Reader is still a little buggy, but it updates frequently and (mostly) lets me view embedded media within the reader, so I’m reasonably happy with it.

  4. July 11, 2013 5:54 PM

    From drought to deluge – you are posting faster than I can comment. At the last post, I wanted to tell you a plumbing secret: when a sink is clogged, plunge UP. Fill the sink with enough water to submerge the head (I guess that is what they call it) of the plunger, gently press down to expel the air in the head, then jerk up. Whatever grossness is stuck in the trap will get pulled out by the vacuum you have created. Unlike baking soda, this really works, and it’s all science-y.

    I want to replace my toilets but like you, don’t want strangers in my home. Someone in my neighborhood is a plumber – I followed his van out of the addition today – and now I’m wondering if having him do the work would be a good thing (I know where he lives) or a bad thing (he will see the inside of my home and tell everyone what a lousy housekeeper I am).

     
     
    I have plunged the sinks like that, but I’ve found that because my house is one century old this year (Happy Birthday, House! Please don’t fall down.) and the drain pipes are for the most part the original galvanized ones, they’re pretty closed off and shaking gunk loose only blocks them completely. So I have to use a drain cleaner to dissolve the crud (which usually works, but sometimes requires a follow-up visit from a professional plumber and his possibly dimwitted apprentice) but because I don’t want my pipes to dissolve completely, I can only do that about once every five years or so. In between times, I find that baking soda and vinegar works to keep them clear, but it’s a more involved process than sprinkling a tiny bit of each in (all of the instructions online that say to use a few teaspoons are completely useless); it takes about two hours per drain and it has to be done once a month. Complete pain in the ass, but less so than having my entire drainage system replaced. This plumber did replace one section of the pipe in the basement so that he could snake up to the sink instead of down through the wall, and he showed me the inside of the old pipe. It was disturbing.

    I don’t think I’d want to hire a plumber who I might see around the neighborhood afterwards. I don’t want to try to make small talk with someone who’s pulled hardened soap mixed with hair out of my drain. The details are different, of course, but it would be sort of like running into your gynecologist at a party.

  5. July 11, 2013 6:37 PM

    Wow, this comments thread is like a support group for people who hate repairmen. While I admit the expense is also daunting, one of the main reasons I put off repairs is that I hate OTHER PEOPLE in my house, and OTHER PEOPLE in the bathroom presses even more of my buttons.

    When I got replacement windows 5-6 years ago, the guys replaced the window shade hooks incorrectly on some of the windows so I had to buy new shades…and left my toilet running. And that was one of my most successful repairs. Sometimes I’m convinced all repair men are in cahoots: “hey, what can I break so she has to call someone else?”

    I actually got a Kindle Fire as a gift from a client–the nicest gift I have ever gotten for a work-related effort. Normally people give me fancy pens that don’t work and fake crystal bookmarks in the shape of strawberries. You should get yourself one–you deserve it! And it is easy to use while waiting for repairmen…

     
     
    I’ve also had terrible luck with repair people, and when I find a good one, I hang on like grim death. Despite the tragicomedy of The Sink and the Door That Would No Longer Close, I’ve used this plumber before and he’s really great. When he came back today, he explained that the reason he moved the sink was because it wasn’t centered around the P-trap (I don’t actually know what a P-trap is), and it never occurred to him to check the door clearance. He fixed it and cleaned up and was out in fifteen minutes. Love him, although I hope not to need to ever see him again.

    But for the most part, yes, they are evil and should die with festering boils.

    A client once gave me a blue crystal globe paperweight. I thought it was pretty nice until I saw about fifty of them on a table at the Chinese grocery.

  6. July 11, 2013 7:36 PM

    I’ll be a lifelong devotee!

    Are you moving within the same town? You can come live near me in Utah if you need new blog fodder.

     
     
    I want to move out of state, but it’s too early to say much more than that about it. I made the mistake of telling a friend, who now asks for an update every time I see her, and now I hate my friend. However I can say it’s not Utah because: Osmonds.

  7. Marius permalink
    July 11, 2013 7:57 PM

    Y’know, bittenbyknitten, replacing a toilet isn’t all that difficult a DIY project. Just kinda icky. And flurrious, you’re on twitter? I’d have not imagined thusly. (I can has ‘most tortured sentence in a blog comment’ award now?) I’m sticking with Feedly for the time being because I’m far too lazy to try out another reader.

     
     
    Laziness is my rationale for not checking out more readers as well. I think I exported my feed list to six or seven different ones already.

    I am on twitter, but I’m terrible at it. It’s not a good place for someone as dull, rude, and long-winded as I am.

  8. Marius permalink
    July 11, 2013 7:59 PM

    Oh, and should you be so inclined I’m @admmarius on twitter. I give you a 99% guarantee that I almost never tweet about what I’m eating.

     
     
    I followed you. And I don’t mind the what I’m eating tweets. I’m not wild about people who tweet about their diarrhea though.

  9. July 11, 2013 8:29 PM

    I’m not sure I’ve ever commented before, but I’ve read for ages (and I’m always behind). As for the drop off in readers, I wonder if part of it too is that google reader/chrome had a plugin that would actually load the native page (thereby giving you a hit) where as it looks like many of the other readers just serve up the rss, with no hits going to the blog…and as for this Canadian boyfriend, I must know him, being Canadian and all (we all know each other right? *g*)

     
     
    You might know him, but you can’t talk to him right now because he’s here at this party with me. He’s in the bathroom, but that’s his sweater on the back of this chair.

    I think the drop in readers has more to do with me not posting anything for weeks at a time; then when I do post, it turns out to be something I overheard some random kid say at the grocery store.

  10. July 11, 2013 10:03 PM

    1. I want to beat those people at Google with a stick. I actually started wanting to beat them when they messed Reader up a couple years ago, and now even more. They kill off all the best stuff. The next thing they kill will probably be their search engine.
    2. I don’t know about IHOP, but I once went to the famed Canter’s Deli in Los Angeles, and the busboy parked a mop bucket full of the blackest water I have ever seen right next to our table. It added a certain je ne sais quoi, where sais = I hope to never find out.

     
     
    Yes, Reader got less useful before they killed it. For a while, I was hoping that “Google Reader is going away on July 1″ was one of their more elaborate April Fool’s jokes, but sadly not. Now all we have is everyone sending us spammy emails from within Google+.

    No mop bucket, but I ate at the famous (if you watch American Express commercials) Fog City Diner in San Francisco once, and the busboy vacuumed the carpet next to our table for a good ten minutes. My friend Diana started throwing her french fries in the path of of the vacuum and he would just vacuum them up and not say a word nor acknowledge her in any way. I assume he later went on to become a serial killer.

  11. Vee who should really get a life says... permalink
    July 19, 2013 9:40 AM

    I’m a lurker who used to check your site every single day way back when you updated more frequently and had a meerkat in your banner. I got mad at myself for being so disappointed when you didn’t post so I broke up with you. But now you’re back!

     
     
    Somewhere, the ghost of my high school guidance counselor is saying, “I knew she would grow up to be a disappointment!” Also, I need to find a way to work the meerkat into the diner header. I miss that guy.

  12. Cat Boy permalink
    July 20, 2013 6:24 AM

    I was awoken about an hour ago by a recuperating feral cat sitting on my window sill wailing at the moon. Somehow I think this is similar to you allowing a plumber into your house, even if the plumber didn’t just get spayed and ear-tipped.

    I must be more out of it from a pop culture knowledge standpoint than I realized because I didn’t know about this Justin Bieber incident until right now. Maybe Wild Kidz sounds more threatening to someone who was born in Canada. These are the people who are responsible for Anne Murray, Paul Anka, and gravy on French fries, so they have to be judged on a different level than the bad-asses in this country.

     
     
    I have also heard that even if a hamburger is on a bun, Canadians will eat it with a knife and a fork, but I’ve never been able to confirm this despite asking dozens of Canadians over the years and always getting an evasive non-answer. I suppose I could drive up to Vancouver and go to a McDonald’s to debunk the rumor, but I’d prefer to believe it’s true.

    I don’t think either of the plumbers was spayed, but the trainee wore the same t-shirt two days in a row, which, for a person who works with sewers, amounts to the same thing.

  13. July 22, 2013 2:35 PM

    I’m hanging in here just for the Kindle Fire.

     
     
    In the meantime, I could send you the books that even the used bookstores aren’t interested in I couldn’t bear to sell as they are too precious. And if you go for that, I also have a VCR and a Princess phone that are about 80% functional.

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