A Festivus Miracle: I Am Updating This Blog
Today is the day to air grievances, but I don’t have any. This is a lie. I have a lot of grievances. A LOT. But who cares, really? No one, that’s who. I’ve got my problems; you’ve got your problems. Let’s all shut the hell up about them.
Other things people should shut up about:
1. The Sound of Music.
2. The Sound of Music starring Carrie Underwood.
3. How The Sound of Music starring Carrie Underwood is a desecration.
4. Also, Love Actually.
I am serious about #4. Love Actually was released ten years ago and for the last nine years, no one has had anything new to say about it. You don’t hear me still talking about the Rocky movies, do you? Well, all right, yes, I still talk about the Rocky movies. But the Rocky movies contain all of life’s lessons, so it makes sense to bring them up once in a while. See also, The Karate Kid movies, except for the one with Hilary Swank, which was a desecration.
Now I’m going to talk about a story that’s been in the news recently, but I’m not going to do any research on it so I might get a few of the minor details wrong. However, if you leave me a comment saying, “ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED WAS … ” I will ban you from ever commenting again. Don’t test me on this, people. It is Festivus and I am not kidding around.
Recently, the vice-principal (maybe) at a local Catholic high school married his partner, and shortly thereafter he was either fired or forced to resign his position (unclear) for violating his employment contract wherein he agreed to follow Catholic doctrine, and current Catholic doctrine considers gay marriage and says, “uh, PASS.” The somewhat odd part of the story is that it was no secret that he was gay, which apparently also violates his employment contract, but it was only when he married that the Archbishop got his cassock all in a bunch. The good part of the story is that a lot of the students both at his school and at other local Catholic high schools gathered at the Archdiocese to protest his firing and to skip class.
So, a couple of things. First, I’m not identifying the vice-principal by name because despite the fact that the story has been in the news for the past week, he’s made no public statements or appearances. He seems to want his privacy, at least for the time being, and I respect that, unlike, for example, every news outlet everywhere. Also, I don’t remember his name. Second, I love that the students are protesting because it’s one small sign that the world is heading in the right direction. I couldn’t help but think what would have happened if, when I were in high school, one of our teachers had been fired for being gay. I’m positive there would have been no protests, and I assume the primary reaction would have been, “yes, he should have been fired,” followed closely by “eh.” Then again, “eh” might have been first seeing as how I went to public school and apathy was our best thing.
And thinking about what my high school class’s reaction would have been reminds me of my senior year Social Studies class, where teams of two would debate various topics. I only remember two debates, the first being the one regarding whether the legal drinking age should be lowered to 18, in which Carrie and Rose argued in favor (i.e., they read to the class the “Pro” side of the article posing the same question straight out of U.S. News and World Report) and I and Min Jae argued against (by reading the “Con” side of the same article). And the other debate I remember was whether or not gay people should have the same civil rights as straight people. Arguing in favor of equality were Oscar and Martin, and their argument was as follows: “they’re human beings.” Not only was that their whole argument, it was also the only thing they said during the entire debate, although they said it, like, 25 times, so you know they were serious about winning. And for some reason, they pronounced “human beings” as “human be-uns,” though I have no idea if that was significant to their position. Arguing against equality were Will and Keith, and their main point was, “I don’t want some dude kissing on me.” I will now provide you with the official transcript of the debate.
The Gay Rights Debate
Mr. Robertson’s Social Studies Class, Seattle, Washington, 1981
Will: Okay, okay. So they shouldn’t have rights because if they have rights they can get a job where you have a job and what if you’re at work and some dude comes up and starts kissing on you!
Oscar: But they should have rights because they are human be-uns.
Will: You want some dude kissing on you?
Oscar: They’re human be-uns.
Will: So you don’t care if some dude is kissing on you.
Oscar: No, I didn’t say that, but they’re human be-uns.
Mr. Robertson: Let’s hear the Pro side.
Martin: Gay people should have rights because they are human be-uns.
Keith: What kind of rights?
Mr. Robertson [mentally updating resume]: Freedom from discrimination in housing, the workplace, in general.
Keith: So they could live next door to me?
Mr. Robertson [wondering why he didn't become a CPA instead of a teacher]: Yes.
Mr. Robertson [considering a life of crime]: Can you elaborate?
Will: What if you’re at your house, right? And someone’s knocking on the door. And you open the door and there’s your gay neighbor. And he starts kissing on you!
Martin: But they’re human be-uns!
Deanna [whispering to me]: Not green be-uns!
Will: Kissing on you!
Martin: But … human be-uns!
Deanna [whispering to me]: Not Lima be-uns!
Mr. Robertson [talking to me instead of Deanna because all half-Asian teenage girls are the same person, evidently]: Would you like to share your insights with the class?
Deanna [whispering to me]: HUMAN be-uns.
Me: HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Mr. Robertson [talking to me sternly]: Are you finding this amusing?
Me: YES! Aren’t you?
And that’s how I got sent to the Vice-Principal’s office.
That seems like enough typing. It’s Festivus, everyone. Go eat some beef.