The More You Know
Even though I’ve been watching the Today show since Barbara Walters was relevant and Tom Brokaw a mere child of 36, I finally gave it up about a year ago for CBS This Morning because not only do they report actual news, their promo line is “the news is back in the morning,” which is a nicer way of saying that Today and Good Morning America are for mouth-breathers.
I should have stopped watching Today years ago, but I am a creature of habit, not to mention afraid of new things, lazy, near-sighted, I have no upper-body strength, can never remember to water my plants, have a pitchy singing voice, and I forgot where I was going with this. Really, I was just holding onto hope that at some point Today would return to the format it followed when I first started watching it which was:
7:00 AM – 8:00 AM: Hard News
8:00 AM – 9:00 AM: Science/Medical news, human interest, the occasional celebrity interview
instead of what it’s become in the last ten or fifteen years which is:
7:00 AM – 7:12 AM: Headlines, mispronunciation of names of countries/world leaders
7:12 AM – 8:00 AM: Matt, Katie/Savannah/Natalie, Al sit on the couch and make fun of Ann
8:00 AM – 9:00 AM: Celebrity gossip, White Girl in Danger stories, Martha Stewart builds a birdhouse
9:00 AM – 10:00 AM: Let’s check in with Kate Gosselin, she’s so interesting.
10:00 AM – 11:00 AM: Hoda chair-dances, Kathy Lee acts vaguely racist about the music that Hoda’s dancing to.
Even as we speak, NBC has a fifth hour in the works that’s just Ryan Seacrest sitting in front of a mirror and flat-ironing his hair.
The other morning when I switched on the TV, out of habit I turned it to Today, only to find that Carson Daly was doing an entire story on what the Today show hosts names would be if they were Travoltified. And it was 7:51! 7:51 and this is what they think is important!
Tangentially, I would also say that even though everyone making fun of John Travolta is starting to make me uncomfortable, that still didn’t stop me from Travoltifying my own name. I put in my real name and in return it gave me back my real name with one letter added. So, good coding, Slate! But then I put in my blog name, which was slightly more interesting.
Okay, well, I did say, “slightly.” Also, please do not call me Frederick. I have enough problems.
Since I’ve switched to CBS, I’ve been in a much better mood in the morning. For one thing, no Matt Lauer. I know people hate Matt Lauer based on his personality, although he never bothered me in that respect. However, I’ve found it increasingly hard to look at him. Where he used to be something of a cut-rate Joey Tribbiani:
he’s now turned into … I don’t even know:
Initially I would have described this look as “professor at a third-tier college, attends student parties” but now I’ve decided he looks more like the kind of doctor who graduated in the bottom 5% of his medical school class, practices either at a jail or a nursing home, and smells like cigarettes.
By contrast, Charlie Rose looks like he probably smells like a pine forest and Barbasol. Piney and soapy is really what you want in a morning anchor. A guy who shaves and smells like the Ponderosa. (Sorry for all the recent Bonanza references. I’ve been watching reruns of the early episodes that I’ve never seen before. In related news, I would like an explanation as to why no one had the decency to tell me that Adam Cartwright is filthy hot. I mean, I realize there’s a toupee and he only has one shirt and that in real years, he’d be like 184-years-old, but still. Keep me informed, people!)
One small problem, though. After CBS This Morning ends at the journalistically acceptable morning news show ending time of 9:00 AM, the Rachael Ray show comes on. If I’m actually paying attention to working, which I do sometimes do albeit in a lackluster fashion (see above re: laziness), then I forget to mute her big mouth until it’s too late and the next thing I know, I’ve become fascinated by whatever disgusting combination of food she slaps onto a plate and calls dinner. Recently, she told this story about how she was I am so sure hanging out with Kevin Bacon and he told her that his favorite sandwich was something called a BLAST, which is a BLT but with avocado and smoked salmon. Now, I think that sounds terrible. Avocado on a BLT? Good. Smoked salmon and you’ve gone too far.
Unless you are Rachael Ray, in which case, you say, “instead of smoked salmon, I’m going to use ground salmon and make it a burger, yummo delish EVOO Mr. Bear!” and when the audience doesn’t applaud you get all pissy and say, “what, no love for salmon burgers?” and then they applaud because otherwise you’re going to stand there and glare, so then you say, “I KNOW!” You burn up a salmon burger and pile on the lettuce, tomato, bacon, and avocado, and also a slice of onion because you are a monster.
Furthermore, pardon me, but once you add onion to a BLAST, that technically makes it a BLOATS. To make matters even worse, which hardly seems possible, she then decided to put sriracha on it.
So. Avocado, Salmon, Sriracha, Bacon, Lettuce, Onion, Tomato. Ladies and Gentlemen, the ASSBLOT.