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Fine, Just Leave Then

April 8, 2014

Things That Are Going and/or Gone in Mostly Random Order

  1. Windows XP

    Microsoft ended support for XP as of today. You can still use it but you won’t get security updates anymore, although before today you only got them once a month so I’m not sure this is a huge change. It’s sad because XP was one of Microsoft’s decent operating systems, unlike its predecessor Me, its successor Vista, or the current 8. Some ass from the company was on TV today saying that people shouldn’t lament the ending of XP because it first shipped in 2001 and then he snottily said, “I mean, think of the phone you were using in 2001. You wouldn’t still be using that phone, would you?” Well, as a matter of fact, if the screen hadn’t died, I would still be using my 2001 phone. OH MOTOROLA STARTAC, HOW I MISS YOU, YOU MAGNIFICENT ANTENNAED CLAMSHELL BASTARD!

  2. My Car

    I’m not sure about this one, but I have my suspicions. The gauges seem to be failing. First the gas gauge got stuck on FULL for a while, and now my speedometer won’t fall below 5 MPH, even when the car is parked. It seems to be working when I’m driving above 5 MPH; then again, with a wonky speedometer, I really can’t be sure. I’ve wanted a new car for a while, but I don’t really need one since I don’t drive that much. Moreover, I have been trying to move to another state for, well, 42 years, and if I buy a new car now I’ll have to ship it there, whereas if I keep my old car, I can just get rid of it before I move and buy a new one when I get there.

  3. My Job

    The equity partners have decided to dissolve the firm as of August 31. One is retiring and the other is, I don’t know, going to open an etsy shop probably. I would be upset, but I was planning to quit anyway so I can move, so the only real effect for me is that on Thursdays when I actually go into the office and ask one of the assistants to do something, I get even more of an attitude than usual. I MISS MY MOTOROLA STARTAC MORE THAN I WILL MISS YOU, ASSISTANTS!

  4. David Letterman

    He’s retiring sometime in 2015, and I am sad about this even though I can’t remember the last time I watched his show. For years, I watched this show every damned night, and I argued with my dad more than once over whether Dave was or was not “mean” to Shirley MacLaine and Lily Tomlin when they were guests on his show. I’ll probably start watching again until he retires, just as I religiously watched Johnny Carson’s last few months, and also will, whenever someone says that they think Ellen DeGeneres would make a good replacement, scream “YOU COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG!” in his or her stupid face.

  5. Television Without Pity

    TWoP ceased editorial operations last Friday and will close down the forums at the end of May. I was surprised at how crestfallen I was about this news (as a point of reference, I feel worse about TWoP closing down than I do about my firm closing down). I started reading the recaps and posting in the forums in 2001 when it was still Mighty Big TV. A smaller site then, the forums were filled with TV obsessives who were required to use standard punctuation and grammar or be banished forever (or until they came up with a new username and learned to use the shift key, whichever came first). My favorite forum exchange was when a user named Bachelorette01 posted a multi-paragraph screed that I can’t recreate but it was basically:

    blah blah blah RACIST HIERARCHY blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

    blah blah blah MISOGYNISTIC PATRIARCHY!!! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

    blah blah blah LET’S GET REAL HERE blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

    blah blah blah WHY ARE YOU SO THREATENED blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

    blah blah ONE SENTENCE THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT THE TV SHOW blah

    blah blah blah TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

    blah blah blah POLITICS AS USUAL! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

    to which another poster succinctly replied:

    That was great, but could we meet Bachelorette02 now?

    I will miss you TWoP. You’ve been kind of terrible since NBC bought you a few years ago, but for a few years there, you were the best thing on the internet.

  6. My dentist

    He didn’t die or anything; I’m just firing him. I’ve long since grown tired of sitting there with my mouth open while he waves the instruments around in the air as he’s describing the Avengers movie or whatever to his idiot hygienist, but a couple of months ago, my mom had to have a tooth pulled because the idiot hygienist broke it and after the extraction, the idiot hygienist didn’t even put any gauze on it, she just sent my mom out with a bloody mouth. The dentist has declined to fire the idiot hygienist, so I’m taking our toothy business elsewhere.

  7. This blog

    It’s time. I probably would have shut it down sooner, but I really like the header. And possibly this is an inopportune time what with me breaking in a new dentist and all and therefore being sure to have a lot of tartar-related stories, but I haven’t had much interest in posting in ages and when I went back and looked at my old posts, I didn’t find one that was worth reading until I got to 2012. And even that one was just mediocre. I haven’t written anything here I would consider any good since at least 2011. Mostly, I feel like this blog keeps me locked into a writing style that no longer suits me. I mean, yes, I can be a jackass, but not as consistently as these posts would indicate.

    I’m going to leave everything up for a while since, according to my stats, my blog is the go-to site for people who are looking for either a picture of an owlet or of Christina Applegate wearing glasses. I suppose it will all go away eventually, but that’s true of everything. Oh god, now I’m thinking of my Startac again.

    And the other reason for leaving everything up is that, when people say, “AND I WILL NEVER BLOG AGAIN!” they usually come back three weeks later with a bunch of new stories. I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen here, but you never know. If you think it might (again, pretty sure it won’t), you can sign up to follow the blog via email using that sign-up thing that’s roughly over there on the sidebar and you’ll get an email when I renege on the whole going away thing. Alternatively, you can follow me on Twitter @flurrious, although if I really do quit blogging, I’ll probably change my twitter handle at some point, but then I might not since I hardly ever tweet either.

    And then we came to the end. It’s been swell. Thanks for reading.

25 Comments leave one →
  1. April 8, 2014 3:19 PM

    “You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!” Boooooooo, we are all losing here. I will hold out hope you will miss this and at least tweet more, even if it is only to bitch about selfies.

     
     
    Uh, I was told the fizzy lifting drinks were free. As well as all these post-it pads.

  2. April 8, 2014 3:48 PM

    Noooooooooooo!

    And furthermore, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Dag nabbit, you can’t stop. I love your infrequent posts with the love that babies have for puppies. I feel squee when I see the email pop up saying that you’ve posted something new. And dammit, I don’t ever feel squee. I even hate the word squee, but you SQUEE ME, Miss Flurrious!

    You BETTER tweet more because of this.

    Oh, I have an idea. Move to Los Angeles. Then you can stop posting here and stop tweeting and just meet up with me for sushi once a week and entertain me until I squee.

     
     
    I am super boring in person. Unless you like to see someone tug at her clothes awkwardly, in which case I am FASCINATING.

  3. April 8, 2014 4:03 PM

    If I knew how, I would insert a GREAT BIG SAD FACE right here in this comment. I figured you weren’t posting because you were busy selling your house and moving, and I so looked forward to reading about that and your new home (I am guessing you will not be moving to the Midwest even though I know a great dentist). Now what do I have to look forward to?!?

     
     
    You have a shiny new house to look forward to! As soon as the contractors leave! It should be any month now!

  4. April 8, 2014 5:16 PM

    Just because everyone is quitting and selling crap on Etsy doesn’t mean you need to! What about the new stories of bad movers, find a new job? Interviews with people who don’t believe in Head and Shoulders shampoo? I think you have more left in you yet and I will be waiting. I’m tenacious like that!

     
     
    I have actually been thinking about selling crap on Etsy, mainly because I own a lot of crap that’s more than 20 years old that I have no intention of dragging along for one more move. As for what I have left in me? Mostly just Bonanza recaps.

  5. April 8, 2014 5:20 PM

    Oh, this is sad. I also quit blogging, and I am fine with it. But this I am sad about. I will miss you more than Windows XP.

     
     
    I am a little sad about it, but I’m more sad about my old phone, which come to think of it is probably still in my desk. I should sell it on Etsy!

  6. April 8, 2014 9:15 PM

    You are making me incredibly sad. You’re my writing hero, so now who will I be pinning my future writing dreams on? *grumble*

     
     
    I am going to send you some soup. I only have regular envelopes, so it might be kind of messy.

  7. April 9, 2014 6:27 AM

    I’m sad too! Your writing is so sharp and funny – a real bright spot, no matter how infrequent. Hope you’ll change your mind (or start something new – I would totally buy your book, BUG IN YOUR EAR), but in the meantime I’ll watch for you on The Twitter.

     
     
    I sometimes think about writing a book but that whole “write what you know” business gets in the way. I don’t think anyone wants to read a novel involving Hoss Cartwright and how to change faucet washers.

  8. Corrie permalink
    April 9, 2014 6:52 AM

    NOOOOO! Don’t make this about you!!! What about us? What will we read?! Where will we go?! (uhmmmm….I seem to have left the door open for sarcastic reply).

    I feel sad now and must eat some ice cream. I hope I don’t cry in it. Maybe I’ll go to the itty bitty kitty committee web site and look at the fuzzy kitties (while clutching my watered down bowl of ice cream) to lift my spirits.

     
     
    Laurie has two new fosters, Effie and Hazel. They are so much better than anything that could be going on here. Also, “Don’t make this about you!” is officially my favorite response.

  9. April 9, 2014 10:41 AM

    Well that’s depressing. I quit my blog ages ago and I don’t even read other blogs anymore since Google Reader died. But I do read YOURS. It comes right to my inbox! So convenient!
    But, ugh… how are we ever going to know what happens with your inappropriate neighbors? Your on-again-off-again relationships with the utility repairmen? This is so not cool, Flurrious. Not cool.
    Sad face here.

     
     
    I think you stopped blogging before I started. I vaguely remember going to your blog and trying to comment on a 3-year-old post. As for the rest, maybe I’ll start a newsletter focused solely on my neighbor Cameltoe. Boy, will you all be sorry then.

  10. CAF permalink
    April 9, 2014 3:36 PM

    Don’t leave! I don’t recall how I stumbled upon your blog, but its bookmarked and I check in regularly. Keep writing….so funny!

     
     
    My writing isn’t that funny. My basketball playing, on the other hand, is hilarious. (Also sad.)

  11. Corrie permalink
    April 9, 2014 4:12 PM

    After going through the ibkc.com web site, something dawned on me. Due to the infrequency of your posts this is your April Fool’s joke and you are a little late pranking everyone! Brilliant.

     
     
    Nah. If I were going to make an April Fools’ joke, I would transcribe the entire Nibelungenlied and post it, but in Old High German instead of Middle High German. Fun for everyone!

  12. April 10, 2014 2:40 PM

    Well crap. This is awful news.

    Are you secretly moving to Atlanta? I work at a law firm and can put in a good word for you to work here. Although if I say, “Hire Flurrious immediately!” I suppose they wouldn’t know who that is since you’d probably apply under your real name which I do not know. But you would make this place a lot more interesting. I mean, we have some interesting people here, but not necessarily the good kind of interesting. I just got into a winking battle with a boss of mine. Yes, winking. I’ve never winked at a boss in my entire life until today so I can sleep better tonight knowing that is now crossed off my bucket list. My bucket list is sad as you can see.

     
     
    I’m not moving to Atlanta, even though it’s the home of Justin Guarini. American Idol reference! Just like the old days! Also, tell your boss I said winking is smarmy. Wait, am I applying for a job there? Oh right, I’m not. Okay, go ahead. Tell him I said it’s smarmy.

  13. Marius permalink
    April 11, 2014 6:15 AM

    Well, Hanuman knows I’m the last person to give you guff for leaving the blogosphere. Hell, at least you have the decency to actually tell folks, instead of announcing every 9 months or so that you’re going to blog more often…promise…then doing nothing, but I do look forward to your posts, and you will be missed. You are far funnier, and more insightful than you give yourself credit for, and you brought a great deal of enjoyment to many folks. I wish you all the best in whatever you do, and I shall not delete my link on feedly unless and until the link itself goes dead.

    Bon voyage, flurrious. Look me up if you ever get to Tampa and I’ll buy you a Tab.

     
     
    Once I stopped being dejected about Monkey going silent, I decided I rather preferred it when people just quietly drifted away. I would have done that myself, but there are a handful of lurkers who check in every day; it’s only 5 or 6 people, but their obstinance makes me love them so I am setting them free. If they don’t come back, they were never mine; if they do, then they’re probably just bots.

  14. April 11, 2014 6:22 AM

    You are too harsh on yourself. I didn’t start reading your blog until last year and compared to all the other blogs I’ve read, yours is one of the best. Because you can write. And your content is original. So is your writing style. Am I slinging too many compliments? Just come back every once in a while and post something. So what if it’s every three or six months or whatever timeframe suits? But if you don’t, good luck in your new life.

     
     
    Honestly, I’ve just run out of things to talk about. My neighbors are still annoying but in exactly the same way they’ve always been, and I’m pretty sure if I write one more time about how I Asked the Butcher Why He Never Had Lamb Shanks and Here’s What He Said, I’ll officially become all of your mothers.

    At the same time, I’m really sorry I decided to quit before I saw this:

  15. Dingo permalink
    April 21, 2014 9:22 PM

    Well, damn. I came searching for you and now you’ve gone and shut up shop.

     
     
    Dingo! It’s Dingo! Look everyone, it’s … oh, everyone’s gone now. Still! Dingo!

  16. stgillian1978 permalink
    April 23, 2014 6:41 PM

    :( I ditto the chorus above.

     
     
    I genuinely appreciate all the nice things everyone has said. But I’m also waiting for someone to notice that I never held a Kindle Fire giveaway.

  17. April 25, 2014 2:33 PM

    Oh, we noticed the lack of a Kindle Fire. We noticed.

    Damn you. No giveaway, and no more posts. Sigh.

     
     
    I don’t know why — probably I’m just feeling nostalgic for three weeks ago when I still had a blog — but your comment made me remember that you interviewed me years ago. And now that I’ve reread that post, and given that everyone else has stopped blogging and I have less to read, I’m prepared to accept your offer of old magazines.

  18. April 28, 2014 11:59 AM

    Oh, man…I had forgotten all about the “let’s interview each other” thing. It made me smile to re-read that. And, given that my boyfriend broke up with me and I’m back “on the market,” the Mystery Date thing is once again sadly, my life. Sigh.

     
     
    When I reread it, I briefly thought I should make up interview questions for you, Stefanie, -R- … basically everyone whose blogs are now defunct, just to see if I could get you all to start them back up again. Then I remembered how much I hate being ignored, so I decided against it.

    Also, I’ve checked and Leonard Nimoy is currently single. Also, super old, but never mind that part.

  19. Christine permalink
    May 2, 2014 7:34 AM

    Sad that you’re leaving this space and hopeful that I’ll still see a post every now and then. I can’t complain too much since I left blogging like 5 years ago. So. But then my blog was pure crap and your posts are like small rays of sunshine that make me giggle like a maniac. If I don’t hear from you, I wish you lots of luck in your move and lots of happiness in your next steps. Or you can move to Philly, be my neighbor, and I will occasionally bring you baked goods.

     
     
    Since I closed this thing down (sort of — as long as people leave comments, I’ll still answer them), there have been a couple of times where I found myself composing posts in my head and then remembering that I’m not doing this anymore. If only Jon Hamm’s 90s hair, Donald Sterling, and the Waffle Taco had come to light three months ago.

  20. May 6, 2014 9:12 AM

    I came back to see if you’ve changed your mind. But we can really keep commenting and you’ll basically write us another post in responding to our comments? Cool! Consider this my reference to Donald Sterling so you can write about that in response to this comment.

     
     
    Of course you would pick the hardest one for me to talk about. Say Waffle Taco, Bev, Waffle Taco!

    Here’s the thing about Donald Sterling. [Insert with agreement all the negative things everyone has been saying about him all over the media, except for the part where they said he was pregnant because come on now.] What he said and what he thinks were and are terrible, but I’ve heard worse — though more encoded — things from people who consider themselves (and, worse, declare themselves to be) tolerant, open-minded, progressive people. So I can’t get too agitated over the obviously racist things one person has to say, when, in my opinion, the real problem is with people who believe that their own attitudes are beyond reproach when, in fact, they say things that are just as racist but will never admit it because they’re too busy being proud of themselves for condemning obvious racists like Sterling. Which … talk about your low-hanging fruit. First Cliven WhateverHisLastNameIs and then Sterling, but it’s basically gone like this:

    Racist: [says racist thing]

    The Internet: That’s racist!

    People Who Live With Racism Every Single Day: Um, yeah. We got that part already.

  21. June 17, 2014 11:44 AM

    well, shoot.

    i leave for *some number of years* and everything just goes to heck.

    live long and prosper!

     
     
    I know what you mean. I was a regular customer at Blockbuster Video in 2002, maybe even 2003, but when I drove by there the other day it was just a parking lot. It’s as if you can’t rely on anything anymore.

  22. Corrie permalink
    July 27, 2014 5:41 PM

    I’ve been trying to think of some witty comment for the last 10 minutes to see if you will reply but since you’ve been gone I’ve been on a Netflix binge and lost my wittiness.

     
     
    That is so weird because I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes waiting to see if someone would leave a comment. And you did! Whew. Good thing we took care of that. See you in another three months.

  23. Corrie permalink
    July 27, 2014 7:21 PM

    ohhh…maybe that’s about the time you will start blogging again! I wish my wish comes true!

     
     
    I wish my neighbor would put on some pants. But some things are less likely than others.

  24. Corrie permalink
    September 14, 2014 4:24 PM

    How could you not have come back to post on the Palins’ recent outings? or perhaps you were involved in that brew-haha and have not made it out of the clink. Let me know if you need to make bail.

     
     
    If I were ever to attend a party that the Palins were also attending, then I would deserve to be in jail. Just leave my stupid ass there. Otherwise, ugh. They’re the family that won’t go away. I swear, nuclear winter is just going to be cockroaches and Sarah’s garbage descendants.

  25. Melissa Ferreira permalink
    October 14, 2014 7:46 PM

    I have always lurked, never commented, but just want to say that you crack me up and leave me smiling every time I visit. I also follow you on twitter and your random posts about, well, nothing, also make me smile.

    Hope things are going well in your (new??) world!

     
     
    Still in the old world. Very little changes around here, aside from my weight and level of angst on any given day, both of which tend to go only in one direction.

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