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A to Z: The Musical!

December 27, 2012

I ganked this from someone’s blog. I don’t remember whose, which I suppose means that I found their answers tedious. It’s probably a Facebook thing and everyone but me has already done it because I have no interest in Facebook, unless we’re talking about how Mark Zuckerberg’s sister is all upset because she thought she was posting a private photo but her brother’s philosophy on privacy is, “there is none, dumb fucks,” and instead of blaming the policies of a company that gave her a career and immense wealth, she’s mad at the people who saw the photo and is going around saying, “but … but … what about HUMAN DECENCY?!?” to which the internet has responded, “LOL and something about petards.”

Anyway, onward.

Age: 49. Next year, I will be 50. 50! My god. I’m going to stop blogging before then, I think. Being a 50-year-old with a blog is like being a 30-year-old with a roommate.

Bed Size: Non-standard. My bedroom has a queen-size mattress, which used to be of the perfect level of firmness until I started edging closer to 50. 50! My god. And now I have the back of an old person, an old person who’s lived an evil life and is now deserving of no comfort. So instead of using the bed, I sleep on a stack of quilts on the floor and sing songs from Les Mis until I fall asleep.

Chore that you hate: Small talk with neighbors. Just wave to me and go in your house, already.

Dogs: I like dogs a lot, but I’m a cat person. Though if I had a farm, in addition to all the cats, I would probably have a couple of dogs, a donkey, a goat, a bunch of chickens, and a miniature cow named “Buttermilk.”

Essential start to your day: Coffee and internet. And because it’s Christmas week, a piece of pumpkin pie. I don’t care if it’s 6:00 AM, I’m eating pie.

Favorite Color: The “what’s your favorite whatever” questions are some of the most boring questions ever. Let’s all agree not to ask these anymore.

Greatest achievement: Earlier this year, I removed a splinter from my pinkie finger.

Height: It varies. It’s somewhere between 5’4″ and 5’5″, the exact measurement dependent upon how put-upon I feel at any particular moment.

Instruments that you play: I know how to play D and A7 on the guitar, so please contact me for all your “Michael Row the Boat Ashore” accompaniment needs.

Justin Bieber: I don’t mind him. The first time I saw him was when he sang the opening lines on the We Are The World 25 video, and I recall thinking, “who is this pimple?” but I guess I’ve gotten used to him. Having just rewatched that video, I have to say, he’s not even the main problem. What’s going on with Wyclef Jean? Is his Ear, Nose, and Throat guy out of town, or what? Then there’s Brian Wilson, who makes me sad. I feel like we should do a USA for Brian Wilson video. Also, in the group scene, who is the old white dude next to Jennifer Hudson? Is that Faison from General Hospital? I think it’s Faison. My favorite thing about it is that Jeff Bridges is there, playing the part of Dan Aykroyd. You know what? Just watch the original. It’s a million times better, and I’m not just saying that because I know who all of those people are. I’m also saying it because it’s a million times better. And because I think everything from the past was better because I am an old person. I’m almost 50, you know. 50! My god.

Kids: As in baby goats? YES.

Live: I’m not sure I understand this question. I live, yes. Well, sort of. I mean, I sleep on the floor and ate pie before it got light out, but still. It’s something.

Mother’s Name: Shall I also give you my date of birth and Social Security Number? Nice try, internet.

Nicknames: I AM OPPOSED.

Obama or McCain: Oh. This is an old meme.

Pet peeves: Vehicular? Tailgating. Everything else? Everything else.


Get the toilet brush caddy!

— flurrious

Or, no. How about:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

— Plato, maybe. Maybe not.


Subway or Quiznos: Am I being punished for something?

Twitter: @flurrious. Unusual choice, I know. I tweet with about the same frequency that I update my blog.

Underwear: The sad thing is that I know I have talked about underwear here before. I have talked about my underwear on the internet. I am duly ashamed.

Vegetable(s) you hate: None, in particular. I find artichokes not worth the effort, but I don’t hate them.

What makes you run late: In general, I’m a punctual person. Not that I’m never late, but I always try to be on time, and I usually am. I find chronically late people rude because by being late they’re saying that their time is more important than your time, the subtext being that they are more important than you. This could go under the pet peeves question. Also, the age question because I am old and only have so much time left. I’m almost 50, you know. 50! You know the rest.

X-rays you’ve had: Mostly dental. Part of me believes that dental x-rays are a scam. I mean, a chest x-ray, okay, because your lungs are on the inside. But my teeth are right there. Just look at them!

Yummy food that you make: Potstickers. I use Ming Tsai’s mom’s recipe, but I don’t make my own wrappers because I’m not a fanatic. Buying a package of won ton wrappers is the reasonable thing to do here.

Zoo animal: Again, I’m at a loss as to what the question is. So instead I will pretend the question was Zappos and say that I do not buy shoes online, and I do not understand people who do.

  1. December 27, 2012 12:58 PM

    I’m a punctual person as well and people who are pathologically late (I can deal with 15 minutes or so, but you know what I mean by pathologically, Judy Garland late) seriously put my health in jeopardy. I do start thinking: “my life is short, and you are arrogant enough to take TIME AWAY FROM ME because YOU think you are SO IMPORTANT.”

    Pie for breakfast seems totally normal Christmas week! I recall seeing a film set on a ranch in which two brothers divided up a homemade apple pie in two and poured (presumably whole, fresh milk) on each other’s half for breakfast. I would also like a farm, and being able to eat that for breakfast without guilt is yet another reason to want to move to one, along with the lack of neighbors.

    I’m sure I’ve seen that movie, but I can’t remember what it was. Google is being unhelpful; no matter what other search terms I use, if I use, “movie” and “pie,” it returns American Pie.

    Even 15 minutes is irksome to me if the person is consistently 15 minutes late. I used to go out with someone who was always late for everything and his excuse was that he never wanted to be early because then he’d have to waste HIS time waiting. Once on my birthday, we were supposed to meet at a restaurant and after I stood on the corner for twenty minutes, I decided I’d had enough and started to leave. I got about a block away and heard him yelling behind me and turned to find him following me with a wrapped package and a bunch of helium balloons. So even though I was totally in the right, I ended up feeling wrong, which ultimately was another thing I held against him.

  2. December 27, 2012 1:35 PM

    I did not have pie for breakfast this week. I did, though, have pie for a mid-afternoon snack.

    I would like to some day have a farm entirely stocked with miniature farm animals–miniature donkey, miniature pony, pygmy goat, teacup pigs, bantam chickens…you get the picture. Wouldn’t it be the most adorable thing ever? I’d have to build a miniature barn, of course, but it would totally be worth it.

    Yes! The total miniature animal farm. That would be the best. I would also like it if the farmhouse were built on a slightly smaller scale. Even though I’m of exactly average height (on some days), I feel like almost everything in my house is slightly too high, especially in the kitchen. I need all the cabinets and shelves to be six inches lower, so I don’t have to stand on a chair just to reach the third shelf.

  3. December 27, 2012 6:19 PM

    Haven’t you heard? OLD people are taking over the Internet. Blog on! And check out the miniature donkeys and Babydoll sheep. Squee!!!

    I would also like a miniature elephant, but I doubt there is such a thing. Also, even a mini elephant would probably be 400 pounds. Buttermilk would be terrified.

  4. December 28, 2012 6:37 PM

    50. 50! My god.

    When did you post about underwear? I think you need to post about underwear again, as a 50 year old’s underwear choices are different.

    I’m with you on punctuality; I’ll walk out of a meeting if it doesn’t start within 10 minutes of the designated time. I’m generally good at being on-time myself, mainly because I feel horribly guilty if I keep anyone waiting.

    Maybe it was on the old blog that I posted about underwear. Or possibly I talked about it in the comments. Either way, I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about it because I remember the term, “underpants camel” being used (which is not to be confused with camel toe.) In any case, my underwear choices are pretty much what they always were, but perhaps I’ll update everyone after my birthday because you never know; I might suddenly decide that boxers are the way to go. The only thing I currently have to say on this topic is that I have never seen an attractive person carrying a shopping bag from Victoria’s Secret.

  5. December 29, 2012 12:52 PM

    Half a century…wow, congrats! When one is that old, he/she should be addressed as “The Wise and Venerable One” Don’t you think “The Wise and Venerable flurrious One” has a nice ring to it? At that age one can eat pie whenever!

    I’m still only 49 and also I’m kind of stupid, so probably not. But I appreciate the sentiment, and I agree with you regarding the pie.

  6. December 30, 2012 3:53 PM
    But the article doesn’t say how much they weigh.

    My hopes were up for a second, but it looks like “pygmy” is in name only. There’s a graphic here that shows they’re nearly as large as Asian mainland elephants. Buttermilk will be relieved anyway.

  7. December 30, 2012 7:37 PM

    Oh, I got it! This thing is ALPHABETICAL! I realized it when I got to “zoo animal.”

    That was accidental. I was really just trying to be annoying by changing the subject 25 times.

  8. April 22, 2013 10:33 AM

    I literally stumbled upon your blog. Or – someone posted a link on FB to something else on your blog and I’m now here. Anyway. What a great post. Love it the idea of life from A to Z. I may steal it.

    Feel free to change all the “what’s your favorite whatever” questions to something non-boring. I didn’t change them only because I’m incapable of doing a meme without saying something insulting about it.

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