Welcome to the Lawless Hellscape I Call Home
The mayor and city council have stated that the crime rate in Seattle is down, which is patently untrue. They make these claims with an asterisk.
“Good Citizens! Crime is down 100%!* Reelect us!”
(* “at the one house we’re talking about. Last year, it was burglarized. This year it was not. 100% reduction in crime! Reelect Mayor McGinn! He shares your views! Whatever they are! He will change his views to your views! To all of your opposing views! He agrees with all of you!”)
The overall crime rate in Seattle has remained steady over the last five years, and violent crime downtown and in neighborhoods south of downtown is up about 7% from last year. Confronted with these pesky fact-like facts, the official response was, “That’s only if you count assaults. If you don’t count assaults, it’s only up 4%. Because why would you count assaults? Let’s just eliminate assaults as a topic of conversation.”
Last week in downtown Seattle, a guy boarded a Metro bus and didn’t pay. The driver said, “hey, you have to pay,” and the passenger said, “naaaaah.” So the driver said, “no, really. You have to pay.” So the passenger shot him in the face.
Then there was this guy:
He was fun.
A few days before that, there was a report of some dude just walking around downtown punching random people in the face.
These are just the incidents I’ve heard about in the last three weeks or so. According to The Seattle Times, which used to be a newspaper I think, there were 119 reported incidents downtown over the past month, meaning about four per day. This is why I do my shopping at the mall.
You are probably wondering what the police department is doing about this. I am so glad I pretended you asked! I actually don’t know. But I’m going to guess … nothing? Yeah, let’s go with nothing. Not that they’re not busy, mind you. Yesterday, they ran “Operation Orange Fingers,” in which they gave out bags of Doritos at Hempfest, the annual festival for the mush-mouthed, slow-witted segment of our citizenry that favors smoking it up over things like non-inertia or speaking in coherent sentences. You might think I’m making this up, but you would be incorrect.
Supposedly, this was meant to educate the Hempfest attendees on what is and isn’t allowed since Initiative 502, legalizing recreational marijuana use in Washington, passed last fall. It was an excellent plan, really, because as I recall from high school, it was the stoners who were always the most interested in education. The SPD enriched the minds of Hempfest attendees via a sticker on each bag of Doritos and a sense of humor the likes of which you haven’t seen since, well, since high school, when your “cool” teacher would talk like a Conehead.
Photo: Graham Johnson, KIRO7
They say no tax dollars were used, but really that’s the least of the problems there. The apostrophes alone are an affront to society.
To add another layer of stupidity to the whole thing, there was this:
Please ignore maliciously false reports that we're giving out Bugles at @seattlehempfest .We would never, ever do that.
— Seattle Police Dept. (@SeattlePD) August 14, 2013
All righty then.
Despite rampant public smoking, selling, giving, and dear lord, shotgunning at Hempfest, no arrests were made. Hempfest has been held every year since 1991, and the police stopped making arrests or issuing citations there about ten years ago. So the lessons are these: first, if you want to break a specific law, create a festival celebrating it as the Revised Code of Washington apparently does not apply to festivals. And second, you should probably not go to the Public Urination Expo. It’s just a bunch of guys peeing.