Carrot Muffin, Hershey’s Milk Chocolate and Toffee Nugget, Half a Ding Dong
That’s everything I’ve eaten today. I don’t normally eat this much garbage at once, but I had a doctor’s appointment this morning, and I need to get all my crap eating in now before my blood test results come back and my doctor drives over to my house, holds me down, and force feeds me Lipitor. For the past year, I’ve been telling her that I’m perfectly capable of getting my genetically high cholesterol down without medication, but every time she checks it, it’s still horrific. Then we have a conversation about whether I’m exercising (yes) enough to get my heart rate up (mmmmaybe) and doing resistance training (ha ha ha what?). I think she’s decided that I’m a complete simpleton because she keeps dumbing down this conversation. Today she spent a good three minutes explaining that if I go for a walk, I can make it a better workout by walking faster. Ordinarily I would object to having to sit there and nod my head as if these were fascinating and novel concepts, but seeing as how six months ago I swore up and down to her that I was going to completely revamp my eating and exercise habits and today I am ten pounds heavier than I was then, I can see why she’s started to slow-talk me. If we have to have this conversation one more time, I expect her to pull out the diagrams.
Why can’t I just have heart disease like everyone else? I ask for so little. Let me have this.
(Just kidding, Universe. Please don’t give me heart disease.)
Man, I’m hungry.
As long as we’re on the topic of foods I’m not giving up: Barilla pasta. This was a couple of weeks back, but evidently, the president of Barilla said in an interview that he would not be using gay couples in their commercials because — and this is where things get a little fuzzy, but it was something like, pasta = family, family = welcoming, by the principle of transitivity, pasta = welcoming; therefore, the gays should just get the hell out of here. He wasn’t that harsh, but what he said did have a certain Michael Scott quality to it. His basic point was that he felt that he would lose more customers than he’d gain, and therefore he wasn’t going to do it. He didn’t say he personally had any animosity towards gay people or that he himself was opposed to gay marriage; he was just saying, “hey, here’s a business decision I’m making. It’s kind of backwards, but whatever.” And possibly he does hate gay people; I have no idea.
(Eating other half of Ding Dong now. It is time.)
(I think they’re making these smaller now. What the hell, Hostess?)
Here’s the thing. If President Barilla (I don’t think that’s his name, but I don’t have the energy to look it up because did you see the part above where all I’ve eaten today is a bunch of sugar?) were donating profits from his company or his own personal money earned from his company to anti-gay groups (or any other group that I fundamentally disagree with on a philosophical, political, or ethical level), then absolutely I wouldn’t buy Barilla pasta. But if I start basing my purchasing decisions solely on whether or not the CEO thinks bigoted thoughts, then I’m not going to be able to buy much of anything ever. I mean really, when was the last time you heard someone say, “I wish everyone could be as progressive and broad-minded as the executives of large corporations!” Moreover, if I’m going to take a stand on Barilla pasta, then in order not to be a huge hypocrite, I would need to find out how all the other pasta company CEOs feel about things. Maybe President Ronzoni is anti-choice. Perhaps the Duke of De Cecco favors a return to anti-miscegenation laws. Possibly Sir Golden Grain voted for Romney. I don’t want to conduct a congressional confirmation hearing; I just want to eat spaghetti and meatballs. The fatty beef kind of meatballs, not that ground turkey nonsense.