Skip to content

This Is The Story I Tried To Tell Myself When I Couldn’t Fall Asleep Last Night

February 2, 2014

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs.

They were brothers, I think, with the same dad but different moms. Like the Cartwrights on Bonanza. So let’s call them Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe.

One day Adam said, “Hey Hoss and Little Joe, let’s build a house.”

Hoss said, “okay” but you could tell he didn’t want to. Little Joe just sat there.

Adam said, “I’ll draw up the blueprints. Hoss, you go get the bricks. Little Joe, you go get the permit.”


Little Joe built a house out of straw. Hoss built a house out of wood. Adam built a house out of brick.

Wait, why are pigs building houses? Don’t pigs live in the yard, next to the slop? This story makes no sense.

Okay, well anyway, then here comes a wolf. First he goes to Little Joe’s house and knocks on the door. No answer. Probably because the house is made out of straw and if you knock on straw it doesn’t make a very loud noise.

“Hey little pig,” said the wolf, “let me in.”

“Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin,” said Little Joe. Man, that’s kind of rude. What if the wolf just needs to use the phone to call AAA or something?

“Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down,” threatened the wolf. Well, I would just go to the next house, but I guess wolves are sensitive about rejection.

“Go ahead,” said Little Joe because Little Joe was the dumbest.

The wolf blew Little Joe’s house down.

Little Joe ran next door to Hoss’s house, which was made out of wood. The wolf followed and did the whole “knock, let me in, blow your house down” thing. So Little Joe and Hoss run to Adam’s brick house. I bet Adam was super sarcastic about it too, all, “oh sure, NOW you want to live with me.”

You know, it also makes no sense that the wolf couldn’t catch the pigs when they were running from house to house. Aren’t wolves pretty fast? Maybe the wolf had a sore leg.

“Knock knock,” said the wolf.

“Who’s there?” asked Adam.

“Candygram,” said the wolf.

Oh god, I’m so tired and I can’t remember this story at all.

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff yadda yadda yadda,” said the wolf.

The wolf huffed and puffed, but the house was made out of brick so you know the rest. Then the wolf decided to go down the chimney. He really wanted to come in.

“Quick,” said Adam to his two half-brothers, “let’s build a fire and start this big pot of water boiling and when the wolf climbs down the chimney, he’ll fall in the water and die and this is a children’s story!”

But Hoss and Little Joe were lazy and slow and Adam wasn’t all that bright either because a wolf can climb down a chimney a LOT faster than you can get a pot of water boiling, so really all that happened was that the wolf took a lovely warm bath and then once he was all clean, he got out of the pot of water and ate the pigs.


  1. February 2, 2014 7:00 PM

    No, no, no! While the pigs were running around, Hop Sing already had the water boiling in the pot!!

    Possibly. But in my version of the story Hop Sing sides with whoever doesn’t make him speak with that insulting accent.

  2. Marius permalink
    February 2, 2014 7:18 PM

    And then Pa Cartwright Adama comes in, shoots the wolf, cleans up the blood and guts, then thaws out three more brother clones from the ice house and carries on like nothing happened.

    This story is getting more complicated by the minute. Does this mean the wolf is a Cylon and that Little Joe’s horse washed his face with a frying pan? Because that’s the only logical explanation.

  3. February 3, 2014 6:33 AM

    Maybe you could be a “revisionist of children’s literature.” If there is such a thing. Did you ever fall asleep? :)

    I fell asleep eventually, but only after I also tried and failed to tell myself Little Red Riding Hood and The Three Bears. It was the The Three Bears that did it. I got sleepy trying to figure out how their porridge could be at three different temperatures simultaneously.

  4. February 3, 2014 9:46 AM

    Did your mom tell you twisted fairy tales at bedtime when you were a tot?

    All fairy tales are twisted, but my mom told me Japanese stories, which are twisted in a different way. There’s one about a couple who adopted a boy who they found floating down the river in a peach. Another about a man who traveled to the bottom of the sea on the back of a turtle. And then there’s one, the title of which translates as, “The Old Man with the Swelling on his Face.”

  5. February 4, 2014 6:39 AM

    Sounds like spicy food before bed is not the best path to serene thoughts. That was not, by the way, supposed to sound like a fortune cookie. Those are good before bed.

    Spicy food doesn’t keep me awake, but it does give me nightmares. This is a relatively recent development, another part of the fun and hilarity that is aging. It really puts a crimp in those evenings when they’re eating pizza on Survivor and I can’t also eat pizza to keep them company.

  6. Christine permalink
    February 5, 2014 4:58 AM

    If your insomnia leads to more posts, then I’m okay with it. But really, I hope you get some sleep. I am awful when I’m overtired, not dissimilar from Jessie Spano and the tale of the caffeine pills. I’m so excited and every thing is hilarious until I’m crying for no reason.

    Jesse Spano was a little after my time (because I’m old), but when she was on Dancing with the Stars, which I watch (because I’m old), she did a bit of a remake.

    Her dancing is not great, but I’m more bothered by the constant crazy eyes.

Comments are closed.