This Is The Story I Tried To Tell Myself When I Couldn’t Fall Asleep Last Night
Once upon a time, there were three little pigs.
They were brothers, I think, with the same dad but different moms. Like the Cartwrights on Bonanza. So let’s call them Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe.
One day Adam said, “Hey Hoss and Little Joe, let’s build a house.”
Hoss said, “okay” but you could tell he didn’t want to. Little Joe just sat there.
Adam said, “I’ll draw up the blueprints. Hoss, you go get the bricks. Little Joe, you go get the permit.”
Hoss and Little Joe said, “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF US! WE’LL BUILD OUR OWN HOUSES!”
Little Joe built a house out of straw. Hoss built a house out of wood. Adam built a house out of brick.
Wait, why are pigs building houses? Don’t pigs live in the yard, next to the slop? This story makes no sense.
Okay, well anyway, then here comes a wolf. First he goes to Little Joe’s house and knocks on the door. No answer. Probably because the house is made out of straw and if you knock on straw it doesn’t make a very loud noise.
“Hey little pig,” said the wolf, “let me in.”
“Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin,” said Little Joe. Man, that’s kind of rude. What if the wolf just needs to use the phone to call AAA or something?
“Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down,” threatened the wolf. Well, I would just go to the next house, but I guess wolves are sensitive about rejection.
“Go ahead,” said Little Joe because Little Joe was the dumbest.
The wolf blew Little Joe’s house down.
Little Joe ran next door to Hoss’s house, which was made out of wood. The wolf followed and did the whole “knock, let me in, blow your house down” thing. So Little Joe and Hoss run to Adam’s brick house. I bet Adam was super sarcastic about it too, all, “oh sure, NOW you want to live with me.”
You know, it also makes no sense that the wolf couldn’t catch the pigs when they were running from house to house. Aren’t wolves pretty fast? Maybe the wolf had a sore leg.
“Knock knock,” said the wolf.
“Who’s there?” asked Adam.
“Candygram,” said the wolf.
Oh god, I’m so tired and I can’t remember this story at all.
“I’ll huff and I’ll puff yadda yadda yadda,” said the wolf.
The wolf huffed and puffed, but the house was made out of brick so you know the rest. Then the wolf decided to go down the chimney. He really wanted to come in.
“Quick,” said Adam to his two half-brothers, “let’s build a fire and start this big pot of water boiling and when the wolf climbs down the chimney, he’ll fall in the water and die and this is a children’s story!”
But Hoss and Little Joe were lazy and slow and Adam wasn’t all that bright either because a wolf can climb down a chimney a LOT faster than you can get a pot of water boiling, so really all that happened was that the wolf took a lovely warm bath and then once he was all clean, he got out of the pot of water and ate the pigs.